


Hisoka and Illumi move to the suburbs

by bamboozledbylife



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Fake Marriage, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-11-01
Packaged: 2019-04-07 15:25:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 25,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14083899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bamboozledbylife/pseuds/bamboozledbylife
Summary: “And I’m involved in this, how, exactly?”“Ah yes, well you see, I need you to act the part of my husband.”“You need me to be your what?”“I told you it was unusual.”Illumi requires some unique assistance on a job, and he turns to Hisoka.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title based on the best It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia episode, this isn't crack I swear, just two guys being dudes, two dudes being gay
> 
> And, since I have one now, find me on tumblr bamboozledbylife  
> If you see the weird picture of Danny devito, that's me. I take requests, or if you just wanna talk that's cool too!

The twinkling lights of the city below had begun to bore him. It didn’t matter how glorious the view, after long enough anything could become dull. The sudden vibration of his phone on the table drew his eyes from the window. Few people had his phone number -fewer still would call him. It was typically Machi or Illumi, either would certainly brighten his evening. Surely enough, the phone screen read _Illumi Zoldyck._ A lazy grin spread over his face as he picked up the phone.

“Hello, Lumi. Is your evening going as wonderfully as mine?”   
“It is not evening where I am.”   
“But if it were?”   
“If I was having a wonderful evening would I be calling you?” He could practically hear the eye roll, although Illumi wouldn’t be caught dead doing something so undignified.  
“Why Illumi,” he purred, “I could do _a lot_ to enhance your evening, just say the word.”   
“Actually, that is why I called.”   
Hisoka quirked an eyebrow, intrigued, “I’m all ears, dear.”  
“We’ve talked about this before, don’t call me dear.” 

‘Talked’ was an interesting word to use for that particular encounter. Hisoka had called Illumi ‘dear’ and Illumi had responded by shooting a line of needles into his leg. Hisoka hadn’t been able to walk right for a week. God, had it been worth it though. Illumi usually maintained a stoic mask, sure, but the brief flash of flustered confusion hadn’t been lost on Hisoka. Thinking of that moment now made him wish this conversation was taking place in person. How he savored the moments he could make Illumi break, even just a little.

“…Anyways, Hisoka are you listening?” He hadn’t been, caught up in little reverie.  
“But of course, Lumi. How could I ignore someone like you?”   
“By not listening to me, which you weren’t.” Hisoka gasped in mock surprise, delicately touching his hand to his chest.   
“I’m hurt. How could you ever accuse me of something so heinous?”  
“I’m only going to say this once more, and if you don’t listen this time I’m hanging up. Understood?”   
“Oh Illumi, you know it does things to me when you get bossy like that.”  
“Look, I called you because I need some help with a job. Can you do that?”  
“As much as I adore helping you Lumi, I’ll need some more information before I can just agree to anything. I am a busy man after all.”   
“It is,” he paused, “unusual.”   
“Is there an usual way assassinations go?” This question was partially genuine. Hisoka legitimately knew very little about Illumi’s job, as he wasn’t exactly the talkative type.   
“Yes. The client gives me money, and I kill the target. The whole process takes a week or two, typically.”   
“And what exactly makes this one special, hm?”  
“It requires me to go undercover for eight, maybe nine, weeks, at least.” 

_Undercover_ was certainly an interesting idea. Something about Illumi pretending to be normal for any length of time unnerved Hisoka. At the very least it raised some questions about Hisoka’s potential involvement. He wasn’t what most people would consider inconspicuous. 

“And I’m involved in this, how, exactly?”   
“Ah yes, well you see, I need you to act the part of my husband.” 

Few things caught Hisoka off guard. He was an intelligent, observant man, and almost nothing escaped his radar. He prided himself on his ability to read people. Even if something didn’t interest him, per se, he still made note of it. But, this? His eyebrows flew up as his mouth dropped open, the very picture of comical surprise. It was not often he was stunned into silence. He had no idea how to respond. Several moments ticked past before he managed to compose himself.

“You need me to be your what?”  
“I told you it was unusual.”  
“Illumi, finding a penny on the ground is unusual, _this?_ This goes past unusual.”  
“Well?”  
“Well what?”   
“Yes or no, HIsoka? This is time sensitive.” Hisoka was still floored at how casually Illumi had posed the question.   
“You want me to set aside at least _two months_ of my life, just to play house with you?”  
“I wouldn’t say it like that, but essentially, yes.”

Domesticity was never for Hisoka. Anyone who’d ever even glimpsed the man could’ve told you that. He could think of few nightmares worse than the repetitiveness of family life. And monogamy? He wouldn’t dream of it. No, a home, spouse, pets, god forbid _children,_ not for Hisoka. Never for Hisoka. So why was he considering this? 

Maybe he could do this. It was only pretend after all. Two months wasn’t even really that long. It would certainly occupy his time while he waited for the perfect opportunity to take Chrollo down a peg or two. Preferably he would take him about six feet down; all things in good time. 

No, this was insane, even for him. Although in Illumi’s defense, if ever he’d dreamed of a world where he, Hisoka Morow, had a husband, it’d be Illumi. That was a dream so deliciously scandalous even he hardly thought of it. He could kid himself and say “someone like” Illumi, but that was a lie. Although lying was one of his specialties, he at least attempted to be honest with himself. And honestly, he’d like to give this a shot.

“Alright, I’m game Lumi. You’re gonna owe me something big after this~”  
“I expected that much. How soon do you think you can be in Yorknew?”   
“Hm, I can probably be there by tomorrow afternoon.”  
“Meet me at the main air terminal at four then. We can talk about the other details once you’re there.”  
“I look forward to it Lumi.”  
“Oh, and Hisoka?”  
“Yes?”  
“Wear something normal.”  
“Aw, you’re no fun.” With a _click_ Illumi hung up on him.

 

Finding a “normal” outfit to wear proved more difficult than he thought it would be. It wasn’t too normal, of course. Hisoka wouldn’t give up his carefully crafted aesthetic for just anything. So naturally he wasn’t too surprised at Illumi’s disapproving gaze the next day. 

When Illumi had told Hisoka “normal,” he had expected something a little, unexpected. This was Hisoka after all. He was not prepared for the sight that greeted him. Hisoka in jeans was infinitely worse than he could’ve imagined. They were ripped and hot pink, very Hisoka. Something about it was just, wrong, though. So wrong. Then there was the shirt. There was nothing wrong with band merchandise necessarily, though Illumi had personally never understood the appeal. There was something wrong with Hisoka in an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt. He almost would’ve preferred Hisoka’s usual flamboyant attire to this. Before Hisoka could even get a single word out, Illumi spoke. 

“I would not have married a juggalo.”  
“Yet you did marry a magician.” Hisoka’s face was split with his trademark grin, carefree and taunting.   
“Change your shirt.”  
“My my Illumi, I’ve barely just gotten here and you’re already so eager to get me out of my clothes?”  
“I am eager to get you into other clothes. Change. Now.”  
“If that’s what my _husband_ ,” he drew the word out teasingly, “would like me to do, then certainly.” He grabbed the edges of his shirt and began to lift it over his abdomen, purposefully slow and sultry.   
“No Hisoka, I didn’t mean here.” He said hastily. He lowered his voice as people turned to look, “not in public. You’re already blowing this low-profile thing.”   
“You should’ve said that before I started taking my shirt off then.” 

Illumi looked at him, something exasperated about his flat expression. Hisoka could never put his finger on what gave him away, but somehow, Illumi was never quite as hard to read as he tried to be.

“I suppose I could change in the bathroom if you’d rather.”  
“I would.”  
“Just ask me nicely.”   
“Excuse me?” 

There was a telling flare in his aura. Maybe Illumi was a little harder to read than Hisoka would’ve liked. He was certainly more annoyed than Hisoka had anticipated. Never look a gift horse in the mouth. He would revel in this little break later. For now he would supress his excitement. Mostly.

“I said, I’ll change in the bathroom if you ask me nicely.” 

They stared at each other for a moment, Hisoka seemingly unperturbed by his companion’s frustration. Passerby’s, meanwhile, had begun to avoid the pair by a greater, and greater, berth. 

“Change in the bathroom, or I will dismember you.” 

A shudder ran down Hisoka’s spine, “is that a promise?”

“Hisoka, we don’t have time for this right now.”  
“Right, right. We have a marriage to settle up. Of course, I’ll be right back then. Unless of course you’d like to join me?”   
“Go, before I kill you where you stand.”  
“Ohh Lumi, you’re too good to me.” 

Sure enough, Hisoka did change into something else, albeit only marginally less terrible. After using a fake ID to procure a rental car, Illumi and Hisoka stopped at a small coffee shop. There were no other patrons inside, but still they tucked themselves into a corner. As Hisoka idly sipped his drink, more sugar than coffee, Illumi reached into his pocket and produced a set of rings. They were simple gold wedding bands, and Illumi slid one over to him.

“Put this on and don’t take it off.” 

Hisoka picked the ring up, inspecting it. There was nothing written on, or inside, it. As he slid it on his finger he took notice of it’s fit. 

He looked at Illumi, amused for a moment, before asking, “How did you know my ring size?”   
Illumi shrugged, “I guessed.”   
“Oh, really?” 

Illumi didn’t bother answering, instead staring down into his coffee. He swirled it absentmindedly before taking a gulp. The slight wrinkle in his nose caught Hisoka’s attention.

“Is there something wrong with your drink?”  
“Hm?” Illumi looked at him blankly.  
“Or do you just not like coffee?” 

Come to think of it, Hisoka had never actually seen Illumi drink coffee. Their friendship was rather unconventional, and he’d never even been to a coffeeshop with Illumi. He did know, however, that Illumi had a poorly concealed affinity for sweets. It would make sense that he wouldn’t care for the excessively bitter drink.

“Not particularly, no.” 

Oh. Well that was no fun. It was always more better to tease the truth out of Illumi. As the silence stretched between them Hisoka was finding himself increasingly bored. 

“Then why order it?” 

He didn’t really care why Illumi had gotten coffee, he was just trying to fill the silence. Illumi didn’t really care to answer his question either, instead quickly gulping down the rest of his drink. 

“To work then. I was hired by a Mr. Feckler to find and kill his ex-business partner. He knows approximately where the man lives, but has no idea what he looks like anymore. Obviously he goes by a fake name too. Me and you are going to move into the neighborhood where he lives now, to try and figure out who he is. From there it’s all routine.”   
“Am I missing something? Is your cover not a little,” Hisoka gestured vaguely, “convoluted, for the circumstances? I’m always a fan of good showmanship Lumi, but really? All of this for some nobody’s old work buddy?”

Illumi nodded, “Trust me, this is all absolutely necessary. The client has requested nobody else but the target gets hurt.”

“Oh.” Hisoka sighed dejectedly, “no offense, but this isn’t looking as fun as I’d thought it’d be. This isn’t the sort of thing you usually ask me for help with.”  
“I don’t usually ask you for help with anything.”  
“Ugh, Illu, you’re missing the point. Couldn’t you have brought a butler or something for this?”   
“No, that wouldn’t have worked.”  
“And why not exactly? Enlighten me.”  
“I don’t like any of the butlers that much.”   
“So is that what I’m here? Entertainment?”   
Illumi shrugged again, “your words, not mine.” 

He then stood up smoothly and threw his empty cup away. Hisoka didn’t get up immediately, instead lazily finishing the dregs of his coffee. He was still trying to figure out Illumi’s real angle. It couldn’t be that simple. Things never were, especially not when Zoldyck’s were involved.   
When he finally rose, Illumi was standing outside the cafe. As he went outside to join him, an idea occurred to him. He stood slightly behind Illumi, and entirely too close. He leaned forward, near enough that Illumi could feel his breath on his neck. 

Hisoka whispered into Illumi’s ear, “You know, if we’re going to tell people we’re married, we may as well consummate our union. I _guarantee_ that’ll keep us both entertained.”

Illumi deftly stepped aside, not even bothering to look at Hisoka. 

“We’ll see.” 

Hisoka smirked, if it wasn’t a flat out rejection from Illumi, it was practically a promise. All of sudden, the next couple months didn’t seem so dismal.

“Are you gonna stand there all day? It’s a three hour drive to the house, I’d like to get there before it gets dark.”   
“Of course, my dear.”  
“Don’t call me that.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hisoka and Illumi realize they really suck at normal people things, and that they don't know anything about animals.

Approximately three and a half hours of fighting over the radio later, they arrived. The house sat in the middle of six other houses, hidden in a cul-de-sac. The homes were of decent size and the lawns well kept. Children could be seen playing nearby, drawing out the end of the day as long as possible. It wasn’t quite night yet, but the sun was low, and dusk was fast approaching. Hisoka fiddled with the remains of what had once been a car stereo, smashed about thirty minutes prior. As he toyed with a loose wire, he glanced over at Illumi in the driver’s seat.

“Was my music really so bad?”

Illumi nodded once, stiffly. 

“Yes.”  
“The rental company will want you to pay for this, you know.”

Illumi didn’t quite snort, but perhaps exhaled a little more pointedly.

“As though money is an issue for me.”  
“You really should be more considerate of other people’s things.”  
“Funny, for you to say that.”  
“I’m an entertainer at heart Illumi.” His smile wide and saccharine sweet. “I live to please.” 

Illumi finished parking the car in the driveway and turned the ignition off. He stepped out of the car and surveyed the street. Hisoka got out of the car as well and stood, leaning against the hood. 

“See something you like?”  
“This will be good for surveillance. We can watch when people come and go without ever leaving the house.” He gestured at the trees lining the street. “No need to find a better perch.”

When they had first met, Hisoka had been very intrigued by Illumi’s job. Being an assassin, a _professional killer_ , well that seemed right up Hisoka’s alley. His disappointment had been immeasurable when he had learned how incredibly dull the whole thing was. So much watching and planning, all for a kill that was rarely worth it. No, Hisoka could never have a job like that. He’d die of boredom before he killed a single mark. 

Illumi locked the car and began to walk towards the house. Hisoka followed behind him, eager to leave the neighborhood behind him. As Illumi approached the door he fished the house keys out of his pocket. He inserted them into the lock and twisted, to no avail. He tried several more times, but each attempt met with failure. Finally he turned around to look at Hisoka, ice in his gaze, before questioning him. 

“Are you doing this?”  
“I would never.” 

The amusement clear on Hisoka’s face made his statement less than believable. Despite the odds, he was being honest. He was just very much enjoying watching Illumi, master assassin Illumi, struggle with a door lock.

“Could I make a suggestion?” 

Illumi’s eyes narrowed. 

“I would rather you didn’t.”  
“Just break the door down.”  
“I’m not going to do that.”  
“Why not?”  
“We are supposed to be normal. Normal people do not break their doors down.”  
“They would if they could.” 

Illumi didn’t deign to respond, and the silence stretched between them. After a while Hisoka turned and sat on the porch. He leaned slightly on one hand, and turned his head to look at Illumi. Illumi was glaring at the door, as though if he stared hard enough it would magically open. The truth was, regularly either one of them would’ve just pulled down a stuck door. In this situation, however, neither of them knew what to do.

“Since we obviously have a lot of time on our hand’s here,” Hisoka began, “can I ask you a question?”  
“You will ask me regardless.”

Hisoka scoffed.

“Well obviously, but sometimes I do try to be polite.”  
“Just get it over with.”  
“Why aren’t you using a disguise?”  
“I don’t need one. Although,” Illumi turned to face Hisoka, “that does bring up something important. I’ll be using your last name.”  
“So it’ll be Illumi Morow?” He hummed thoughtfully, “I like the sound of that.”  
“Someone may recognize the name Zoldyck. There is no chance they will recognize the name Morow.”

Hisoka stuck his bottom lip out, making a show of pouting.

“Rude. But what about your target? Any chance he’d know your face?”  
“No. He is rich, not connected. Not even that powerful.” 

Illumi moved back and gave the key one last twist, every bit as futile as every other twist. He turned to lean against the door, sliding until he was seated. 

“So he doesn’t have connections or power over his old business partner, but the man still wants him dead?”  
“That is the information I have, yes.”  
“Sounds a little suspicious. Seems more like a jilted lover, or something.”  
“I considered that.”  
“And?”  
“You’re probably correct.” Illumi leaned his head back and closed his eyes. “It doesn’t change anything about the job though.”

Hisoka began tapping his fingers on the concrete. The click against his nails was more grating than satisfying. Seconds from breaking the door down himself, Hisoka noticed a man approaching them. He was an older man, mid 50’s, portly and balding. He had a small dog on a leash, and as saw Hisoka looking he waved. He didn’t bother saying anything, Illumi obviously knew the man was there. He stood on the sidewalk across from them, and then began to speak.

“Hello there, are you the new neighbors?”

Illumi stood to greet the man, but Hisoka stayed seated. Illumi stepped off their porch, and walked up to the man.

“Yes,” he stuck out his hand, “Illumi Morow, it’s nice to meet you.” 

It sounded even better coming out of Illumi’s mouth. A brief streak of possessiveness flooded through Hisoka. How nice it would be, to actually make Illumi his. Their relationship was far past professional, but had quite never strayed into romantic. Neither of them had ever wanted that, not before.

The man shook Illumi’s hand vigorously. 

“David Cook, it’s nice to meet you too. Now I don’t mean to pry, but,” he pointed behind Illumi, “are you two having some trouble with the door?”  
“Actually, yes. We can’t seem to get it unlocked.”  
“Oh, the old owners had that problem all the time. You have to turn the handle as far as it can go _first_ , and then you can unlock it.”  
“Ah, well thank you for the advice. Have a nice night.”

Illumi turned around before the man had the chance to respond. He had left the keys in the door, and upon hearing the man’s advice Hisoka had opened it and gone inside. 

“You too! I hope I’ll be seeing you around.”

Illumi looked over his shoulder at the man. 

“You will.”

With that, Illumi walked inside and shut the door. Hisoka was seated on top of the counter, swinging his legs idly. 

“I assume you already knew that man?”  
“Obviously. His wife is Martha, they have two children together, both grown and moved out. That was the smallest of their three dogs. He works at the post office.”  
“Yet, he is still suspicious, correct?”  
“Everyone is a suspect until I can prove the mark’s identity.”  
“Pray tell Lumi, how, exactly, do you plan on doing that?”  
“You’ve been asking a lot of questions lately.”  
“You haven’t been giving me a lot to work with.”  
“Fair enough.”

Illumi brushed past him, setting the car keys on the counter besides Hisoka. 

“I was given a list of personality traits he could be identified by. Once I am reasonably certain who he is, I’ll torture the truth out of him. Just to verify.”  
“How dull.”

Illumi walked past the counter to a window, pushing the curtains aside. He crossed his arms as he stood, staring out into the backyard.

“What do you think about pets?”  
“The animal kind? I try not to. I never liked that kind of responsibility. Unless,” Hisoka’s expression was absolutely lascivious, “this is you propositioning me. In which case I _love_ pets. If that’s what your into I-”  
“I was thinking a cat.”  
“Oh,” Hisoka slid off the counter, “how very you.”  
“Did you have something else in mind?”  
“A few things.”  
“Are any of them cat related?”  
“You could say that.”  
“Let me rephrase that. Are any of them related to a literal ten-pound feline?”

Hisoka clicked his tongue disapprovingly. 

“What a dirty mind Illu, get your head out of the gutter. I used to own a cat, for your information.” 

Not strictly true. He had lived in an alleyway for a few weeks as a kid with a couple stray cats. One of them would sleep near him at night sometimes. On rare occasions it would allow itself to be pet. He had even named her. Some may say ‘Stinky’ isn’t a good name for a cat, but 12 year old Hisoka would disagree. That was pretty much ownership as far as he was concerned.

“Great. Then you’ll know how to take care of it?”  
“I… Maybe.”  
“Yes or no?”  
“I wouldn’t bank on it.”  
“Of course not.”  
“Why the sudden itch for a cat? Afraid my company will be lacking?”  
“The target is fond of them.” Illumi pulled the curtains on the window shut, “besides, it’s a convenient talking point.” 

Illumi turned around and walked through the kitchen, back towards the front door. 

“Going somewhere?”  
“Milluki lent me some cameras, and I can monitor the feed from a laptop upstairs.”  
“I always knew you’d be a voyeur.”

Illumi scoffed as he started climbing the staircase. 

“First door on the right is a bedroom if you’re interested.”  
“Oh, Lumi I’d-“  
“You know what I meant, don’t answer that.”

Hisoka laughed. He might poke around the house a little, but he probably would go to sleep. No reason to stay up all night, not yet anyways. Although he did have a few more questions for Illumi. First and foremost, the furniture. Presumably it had been left by the old owner. Surely Illumi had not picked it. At least, he hoped Illumi hadn’t picked it. It was incredibly ugly, and seemed old. If they were going to bother with a pet, they could be bothered to replace the furniture. He’d bring it up tomorrow, after they got the cat, assuming that was happening.

 

The sun rising through the blinds hit Hisoka directly in the face. Of course it did. He blinked the sleep out of his eyes as he pushed himself up to his elbows. The clock on the bedside table read 5:30 a.m, which could only be described as unfortunate. He had tried to entertain himself by checking the house out, but there wasn’t really anything to see. There was almost nothing in the house except some sparse furniture. The basement was unfinished and completely empty. The cabinets had dishes, and one of the upstairs closets had towels, but that was it. He had given up within 15 minutes and just decided to crash.  
As he now became aware of his surroundings he was sure Illumi was still up. His suspicions were confirmed by the faint smell of coffee hanging in the air. He sat up and stretched, enjoying the feeling of his back cracking. He pushed his hair out of his eyes and slid out of bed.  
He showered briefly and then did his hair before making his way downstairs. He had been tempted to go downstairs wearing only a towel, or better yet, naked, but had decided against it. Impulse control wasn’t usually his style, but he wouldn’t push Illumi too far just yet. His middle ground had been to simply forgo a shirt. It was annoying to have to put on his spider tattoo though. 

Walking downstairs he saw Illumi seated at the dining room table. Sure enough there was coffee in front of him. The rest of a mostly full pot was on the counter. Hisoka grabbed a mug, poured himself a cup, and sat at the table across from Illumi. Despite having been up all night Illumi looked completely fine. Untouched by even a hint of sleep deprivation. Neither of them spoke for a time. Finally Hisoka broke the silence.

“No good morning? Is that anyway to treat your husband?”  
“You didn’t greet me either, so I could say the same.”

Hisoka smiled as he took a sip of his coffee. 

“Touchè.” 

A few more moments passed in silence as they both drank.

“You should probably put a shirt on.”  
Hisoka winked playfully.

“Don’t pretend you don’t like the view.”  
“I have yet to give my opinion on the view. It’s just practical.”  
“We’re alone inside. _Technically_ it’s practical to not wear any clothes.”  
“Did you already forget we have things to do today?”  
“The cat thing?”  
Illumi nodded solemnly. (Though it could be argued that was how he did most things). 

“The cat thing.”  
“Not to burst your bubble or anything but it’s barely 6 o’clock in the morning. No pet store is going to be open yet.”  
“So we wait a few hours then. You should still put a shirt on.”  
“All things in good time.” 

 

A mind numbing phone game and several hours passed, and they found themselves in a nondescript pet store. The glare of the fluorescent lights bore down, washing everything in a sickly yellow light. They stood side by side, looking inside a glass pen. Several kittens tousled inside, lively and carefree. Hisoka had to admit, their antics were amusing. He dragged his fingertips across the bottom of the pen, attracting the attention of a small black kitten. He watched as it’s tail swished back and forth, intent on tackling his hand.  
It pounced, covering his entire hand with it’s tiny, fuzzy body. He flipped his hand over as it attempted to gnaw on his fingers. It batted its paws wildly in the air, stomach up, held there by his hand. 

“I like this one.”  
“It’s… cute, I guess.”

Hisoka quirked an eyebrow.

“You seem pretty unenthused, considering this was your idea.”  
“It’s for the job.”  
“And?”  
“I’m not really a cat person.”  
“I wouldn’t have guessed. They seem exactly your type.”  
“Killua made a similar comment once. I’ve never seen it.”

Hisoka barely stifled a laugh. For someone so smart Illumi could be amazingly unaware. Hisoka lifted the small kitten in his hand, shushing it as it meowed in protest. He held the kitten up next to Illumi’s face, smiling as they blinked in unison.

“I think you’ll learn to like this one.”

The kitten continued to meow, annoyed at the disturbance. They were more like tiny beeps than meows. It sounded like an angry little squeaky toy. Hisoka was tempted to actually give it a squeeze. As he only had so much impulse control, and as he’d spent most of it that morning, he did. It gave the longest, angriest beep he had ever heard. He brought the kitten close to his chest as his hand shook with his laughter.  
Illumi didn’t laugh but his eyebrows were raised, clearly amused. He reached a hand out and scratched delicately underneath the kitten’s chin. It purred contently, warm and secure. 

“He reminds me of you.”  
“That’s funny Lumi. I was just thinking the same thing.”

A half hour later they were sitting in the parking lot. They had toys, food bowls, and a small beeping box. Illumi put the keys in the ignition, but didn’t take the car out of park. He leaned back in his seat and drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. 

“You know,” Illumi paused as the beeping turned into a frantic scuffling. “Maybe you should hold him or something.”  
“Are you worried about him? That’s sweet Illumi.” 

Illumi turned his head towards the back seat. 

“It’s a good thing our cover story is a marriage.”  
“What makes you think of it?”  
“Do you actually think we could’ve passed as two straight dudes who live together in the suburbs, with a _cat?_ ”  
“Hmmm,” Hisoka tapped a finger on his chin, “probably not. Though you say that like the cat is the most incriminating part.”  
“It sort of is.”  
“Would a dog have made us more heterosexual? What kind of pets do straight people have?”  
“Lizards?”  
“Is that a question?”  
“It was a guess.”  
“Okay so, theoretically, if we had to play _this,_ ” Hisoka gestured loosely between himself and Illumi, “off as straight, you would buy a lizard.”  
“Do you have a better idea?”  
“Fish, maybe.”

Illumi shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly.

“You know more people than I do. You could ask one of them.”  
“Are you suggesting that I ask one of the spiders what kind of pet they would buy?”  
“Perhaps if you were more dedicated.”  
“I’m _certain_ that would go over great. I’ll just show up to the next meeting and say, ‘nice plan Chrollo, but also what’s your opinions on owning turtles?’”  
“You have Chrollo pegged as straight?”  
“That wasn’t the point. I was just tossing a name out.”  
“But do you?”  
“Why are you so interested?”  
“Answer the question or don’t Hisoka.”  
“If you insist. For your information, I do not, nor have I ever, believed Chrollo was straight.”  
“Alright.”  
“Now you tell me why you wanted to know.”

Illumi pursed his lips.

“I wanted to make sure we were on the same page.”

Hisoka tilted his head back and laughed, long and deep.

“Now take the cat out of the box before he hurts himself.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mostly just setting up for some future plot, but lots of the new kitty and arguing between two of the most emotionally constipated men on planet earth. The story really gets rolling from here though, I promise.
> 
> ALSO two things,  
> 1) @everyone leaving comments, I would die for you  
> 2) I can promise in the future, gardening, baking, trying to put together Ikea furniture, and some "fun" guests

Back at the house the kitten set about exploring. Pouncing at strings, crawling underneath furniture only to immediately dart out at top speed, but always seeming to return underfoot.  
Hisoka ripped the top off of a bag of cat food, pouring a small amount into a bowl as Illumi filled another one with water. The kitten’s ears pricked up as it heard the tinkling of food into the bowl. It wandered from lingering in between Illumi’s legs to jumping at the counter, beeping impatiently. Hisoka leaned down and picked it up, placing it on the counter next to the food bowl. As the kitten contentedly crunched away, Illumi glanced at it, then at Hisoka, then finally back to the kitten. 

“You shouldn’t let him eat on the counter like that.”  
“Probably not. But I think you’ve forgotten something more important.”

Illumi ever so slightly furrowed his brow at Hisoka. 

“I haven’t forgotten anything.”  
“You have.”  
“I have not.”

Hisoka sighed deeply, leaning forward onto the counter. He looked up at Illumi, plastering a smile onto his face. A slight twitch in his lips gave away it’s falsity. 

“I can assure you, you have forgotten something.”  
“What is it?”  
“ _We_ need to eat.”  
“Oh.”

Illumi ran a hand through his hair absentmindedly. He then reached over and gave the kitten’s head a scratch while he thought.  
“We’ll have to go to the store I guess.”  
“You can’t mean right now?”  
“Do you want to eat or not?”  
“Well what about,” Hisoka paused for a moment, staring at the kitten, fumbling for a name that did not yet exist. “The cat, which we should probably name.”  
“If you want.”  
“Do you care what I name him?”  
“Not particularly.”

The prospect of food immediately forgotten, Hisoka began to play around with some names. So long as it was annoyingly un-catlike it would be perfect. So long as it bugged Illumi, just a bit. Something he would tell the neighbors, but reluctantly. 

“Hmm, then… Bartholo _mew_.”  
“Seems a little distinguished for a cat.”

Illumi stared at him blankly, unimpressed at his choice of name. His lack of reaction was a tad disappointing, but Hisoka had expected it. Still though, what a waste of a pun. 

“That wasn’t the point.”  
“It was my point.”

Hisoka didn’t say anything, blinking slowly as though if he waited long enough Illumi would realize how dense he was being. For a man with such great accuracy with needles, he sure could miss a joke. 

“You know what? I don’t think it’s distinguished enough. How about…” He twirled a hand in the air, “Dr. Bartholomew… the 4th.”  
“You can’t be serious.”  
“I’m always serious.”  
“I’m not calling a _cat_ doctor.”  
“Respect his hard work, Lumi.”  
“Hard work? He’s only a kitten. He has an associates degree, at best.”

Hisoka broke into peals of laughter. He wasn’t sure what was better, that Illumi had said it, or that he probably didn’t realize how ridiculous it had sounded.  
Annoyance oozed off Illumi in waves, and Hisoka anticipated the attack before it came. He stopped the needle heading for the center of his forehead centimeters from his skin. His laughter died down to quiet giggles as he twirled the needle in his fingers. 

“You are scaring,” Illumi paused, disgust etched in the clench of his jaw, “Bart. He’s not eating anymore.” 

Sure enough Bartholomew was perched on the edge of the counter, staring at Hisoka inquisitively. His tail wavered back and forth languidly, his eyes unblinking.  
“He’s fine. Besides this is nothing,” he struggled to talk through his poorly stifled laughter, “compared to grad school.”  
“This conversation was originally about food, correct?”  
“Ah yes. The store.” Hisoka finally managed to reign in his laughing fit. “ We can’t leave Dr. Bartholomew the 4th,” he dragged the title out, savoring the twitch in Illumi’s brow, “here by himself.”  
“Then you stay here and I’ll go.”  
“I don’t think someone raised in a mansion, with butlers, should be grocery shopping by himself.”  
“Then you go. I’ll-“ a wash of realization came over Illumi as he realized what he was suggesting. “Never mind. I don’t trust you to come back with food.” 

“What _exactly_ do you think I’d come back with?” 

Hisoka wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

“Bubble gum.”  
“Anything else?”  
“Something equally as frivolous, probably.”  
“More specifically?”  
“A turtle?” 

Pretty much where he had expected that to go, but not where he had hoped.

“Oh, haha Lumi, very funny. You think I would go to a grocery store, and come back with a turtle?”

Illumi nodded. 

“Why?”  
“To impress Chrollo, obviously.”

Though Illumi’s face remained still, his posture screamed of smug self-satisfaction. It made an itch run down Hisoka’s spine, his very bones beginning to ache for a fight. He liked this side of Illumi; It was the only time his attitude bordered on arrogant. While Illumi was certainly confidant in his skills, he was never cocky. So different from Hisoka, and yet, still so similar. Thankfully for them both, the need to eat circumvented any potential fighting plans. For now, at least.

“Grocery stores don’t even sell turtles, dear.”  
“Don’t call me that. Besides, you would find a way.”  
“I’m glad you think I’m so er, capable, but this is exactly why you aren’t going to the store by yourself.”  
“We can go tomorrow then. But if you want to eat today, I hope you have a better suggestion.”  
“And it just so happens, I do.” 

 

30 minutes later a half empty box of pizza sat between them on the table. Hisoka picked pieces of pepperoni off and fed them to Bart. Illumi’s careful attention to the kitten’s munching was obvious. Illumi’s disapproval of the whole affair was equally as obvious.

“Stop doing that. You’ll make him sick.”  
“He’ll be fine,” Hisoka waved his hand dismissively, “I think.” He waited for Illumi to chide him further, but the response never came. “Illumi?”

Illumi was staring past him, looking towards the door. Hisoka listened quietly for a moment, and heard the faint sound of footsteps up their driveway. 

“How intriguing. It seems we have a guest.”

They both sat silently, waiting for whoever it was to make themselves known. Illumi stood a fraction of a second before the door bell actually rang, quickly crossing the distance between the table and the door. He opened the door to a very flustered looking lady, holding a plate of something in her hands. Hisoka lingered in the hallway, just out of sight, but close enough to see if anything exciting were to happen. Illumi stared blankly at the women for some time while she gathered herself. 

“I’m… sorry, I just didn’t expect you to open the door so fast.”  
“Oh.”

She stood there awkwardly, shifting from foot to foot. She smiled stiffly and cleared her throat, and straightening her shirt before trying to begin again.

“Excuse my manners, I’m a little out of it. I’m Martha Cook, you met my husband the other day.”  
“Yes.”  
“I’d like to welcome you to the neighborhood with these.” 

She presented the plate to Illumi. On closer inspection it was a plate of chocolate chip cookies. As Illumi took them from her hands he noticed they were still warm. 

“Thank you.”  
“Of course dear. Now, before I forget, I meant to invite you to a little neighborhood get-together. At about 7, all of us here in the cul-de-sac come to mine and Dave’s place. We’re 576, by the way.”  
“Okay.”

Her smile was strained as she waited for him to continue. Had she not started speaking again, they may have stood there all night.  
“Don’t be worried if you can’t make it! I know moving is hectic and all that. I can’t imagine doing this by yourself, though I imagine it must be nice only having to move one person’s worth of stuff.”  
“I do not live here alone.”  
“Oh? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to assume, it’s just that my husband only mentioned meeting you.”  
“Really? Hisoka was there too.”  
“Hisoka? Is he your…” She fumbled for her next word, unsure of how it was best to finish that question. “Partner?”  
“Hm? No.”  
“Oh my goodness, here I go with my foot in my mouth again. It’s just that-“  
“He is my husband.”

The woman’s face was flushed in embarrassment. This conversation surely had gone better in her head. 

“That’s… fine. It’s not we, that is, we, um.” She cleared her throat again, “All we neighbors are fine with any… home environment. Love thy neighbor you know.”  
“Okay.”  
“So… will we see you tomorrow?”

Illumi cocked his head to the side, deliberating with himself.

“I don’t see why not.”  
“Great! Have a nice night now.” 

The woman turned around, not waiting for his reply. She walked away as quickly as her pride would allow. Illumi watched as she left, not closing the door until she was back inside her own house. He turned around to see Hisoka with his hand pressed against his mouth, mirth clear in his eyes. 

“What is it now?”  
“It might be just me, but I think you’re getting worse at this.”  
“Worse how?”  
“I’ve had some awkward conversations in my day, but that,” he pointed at the door, “was one of the worst. The poor woman practically ran away.”  
“She walked.”  
“That doesn’t make it better.”  
“She gave us cookies.”  
“And in return you ruined her night. How thoughtful.” 

Illumi walked past Hisoka, setting the plate on the counter. He peeled the plastic wrap back from the plate, the smell of cookies wafting upwards.

“Do you want one?”  
“What if they’re poisoned? Getting a little careless aren’t we Lumi?”

Illumi turned around, his mouth already full of cookie. He didn’t respond till after he swallowed it. Even then, he stood quietly for a moment and looked at Hisoka curiously before he answered.

“Is that a trick question?”  
“Ah, yes. Poison tolerance, how convenient.”

Hisoka walked over to the counter and reached for a cookie. Illumi shot his hand out and grabbed Hisoka’s hand at the wrist, immobilizing it.

“Getting a little handsy aren’t we?”  
“What if they’re poisoned? _You_ would die.”  
“Do they taste poisoned?”  
“Well,” Illumi took another bite, letting the taste sit on his tongue, “no. But that doesn’t mean anything. Plenty of poisons are tasteless.”  
“I think I’ll take my chances.”  
“It would be very inconvenient for me if you died.”  
“Aw, so you do care~”  
“I care very much about my job.”  
“Well, if it means that much to you, I suppose I won’t die today.” He leaned forward till he was next to Illumi’s ear and then whispered, “just for you.”

Illumi turned his head till they were face to face, mere inches away from each other. He leaned closer as well, shortening the already tight space between them. Once he was so close Hisoka could feel his body heat, he spoke. 

“Don’t stand so close to me.” 

Illumi released Hisoka’s wrist, instead grabbing the plate of cookies and taking a step back, out of reach. Hisoka gave a little sigh, shifting to lean back against the counter. Suddenly he straightened up, crossing his arms and turning back towards Illumi. 

“Wait.”  
“What?”  
“How come I can’t call you dear, but Martha can?”  
“I didn’t even notice she said it.”  
“Nice try.” 

“She,” mulling over his next words carefully, Illumi spoke tentatively, “is just some random old lady. Why does it matter?”  
“It matters.”  
“I-“ pausing a moment more, Ilumi spoke in a chopped manner. “Didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. Her compliance is important to this job.”

Hisoka gave a short, empty laugh.  
“What’d you take me for? I know when I’m being lied to.”  
“Are you actually upset by this?” 

He had known Hisoka for a long time, rarely was he emotionally invested in anything. The only thing that seemed to get to him was someone interfering in his fun. He hated when other people were playing with his “toys.” He had made it abundantly clear, however, that he was finding most of this boring. 

“Do I seem upset to you?”  
“Yes.”  
“I’m not.”  
“Are you sure?”  
“Am I sure about how I feel?”  
“Yes.”  
“I am.”  
“Okay.” 

Hisoka’s clipped answers spoke volumes. One of Hisoka’s self-professed greatest passions was small talk; if he wasn’t talking, something was wrong. Meanwhile Illumi barely spoke to his own family, and while he didn’t care much for Hisoka’s endless chatter, he found his silence unsettling. He was clearly upset about something, but there would be no resolution while they both feigned causal disinterest.  
Not that they were about to stop. Addressing emotional problems was for the more functional. Neither of them moved for a while, the only sound being the soft pad of Bart’s paws on the ground as he was roused from his nap. He twisted himself between Hisoka’s feet, sitting on top of one of them. Hisoka bent down and picked him up, holding his whole body in one hand. 

“I’m going to bed.”  
“It’s 6 in the afternoon.”  
“Then you’ll have plenty of time to spy on the neighbors without me.”  
“We have to go to the store tomorrow morning, and then the neighbor’s house tomorrow night. Don’t forget.”  
“I won’t.” 

A single thought crossed Illumi’s mind as he watched Hisoka walk upstairs, _who gets Bart if we get divorced?_ Something still bugged Illumi about the whole interaction, but he would simply file that away for later. Compartmentalization was one of his strong suits. Hopefully Hisoka would get over whatever that had been by the morning. If he hadn’t? Well, he would've spend all night planning for that anyways.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little tiny argument, and then some sweet sweet fluff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter this time sorry! Things are about to get crazy for me with finals coming up, so I'm not sure if I'll be able to update the next couple weeks :(  
> Next chapter will be longer I promise! 
> 
> Also, so grateful for all of my readers who are staying with me even though I literally put Hisoka in an ICP t-shirt in the first chapter, bless all of you.

Hisoka knew he overslept the next morning. The sunlight fell directly on his face, gradually shifting off as the sun continued to rise. He had tried to get up, but Bart had been asleep directly on top of his chest. What kind of monster would wake up a sleeping kitten? Regardless of the reason, a very pissed Illumi strode into his room at 9:00 am. He stood at foot of the bed, arms crossed, glaring daggers at Hisoka. 

“I know you’re awake.”

Hisoka let his eyelids flutter open, bringing a hand up to brush his hair out of his face. 

“How astute of you.”  
“I asked one you to do one thing.”  
“Actually, you’ve asked a few things of me lately.”

He could see Illumi’s jaw tense, feel the slight shift in his aura. The moment he chose to stay in bed he knew Illumi would be mad. He was a little disappointed Illumi hadn't come into his room this morning attacking him. 

“You forgot.”  
“I didn’t. Not everything has to be done at the crack of dawn.”  
“We have other thin-"  
“Not until 7.” 

Illumi was next to him in an instant, hand wrapped around his throat. Hisoka grinned, wide and toothy. Rather than stopping Illumi he had tilted his head back, allowing him better access. Hisoka had put his own hand around Illumi’s wrist, but he put no effort into stopping him. This was just another empty threat, almost a familiar gesture between them.  
Bart had quickly woken and leapt off of Hisoka, sitting on the other side of the bed, carefully observing. His tail flicked, agitated.

“Now who’s scaring Bart?” 

Illumi’s demeanor immediately changed, the tension falling from his shoulders. He didn’t look at Bart, nor did he move his hand, but the malice dissipated. 

“You need to learn how to relax more.”  
“Why would I relax? I’m working right now.”  
“You should at least sleep a little.”  
“Who are you to say I didn’t sleep last night?”  
“A person of above average intelligence who has know you for a number of years.” 

Illumi narrowed his eyes, putting ever so slightly more pressure on Hisoka’s throat. 

“Being presumptuous may get you killed some day.”  
“The same could be said of sleep deprivation, darling.” 

Illumi’s eyes went a smidge wider for just a moment, accompanied by a sharp inhalation and the crushing force of his hand around Hisoka’s throat. He gave a strangled moan, hand lax against Ilumi’s wrist. Illumi eased off the pressure almost immediately, pulling back slightly. Hisoka caught Illumi’s hand in his. He interlaced their fingers, running his thumb over the side of Illumi’s hand.  
Illumi didn’t pull back further, just staring at their hands. 

“What are you doing?”

Hisoka brought Illumi’s hand to his mouth, lightly pressing a kiss to his fingers. 

“You’re absolutely stunning when you’re livid.”

Hisoka sat up, closing the distance between them. With his other hand he cupped Illumi’s face, rubbing gentle circles into his cheekbones as Illumi tilted his head into the touch. 

“Anger suits you.”  
“Self-preservation is not one of your strengths.”  
“I think you like that about me.” 

Hisoka turned Illumi’s head slightly to the side, leaning forward to kiss him. Instead he encountered the tips of Illumi’s fingers, creating a border between them. 

“Morning breath.”

Hisoka raised his eyebrows, bemused. 

“A proper kiss later then?”  
“After you’ve brushed your teeth.”  
“Nothing less than perfect for you, darling.”  
“Do not call me that, either.” 

Hisoka leaned back against the head board and laughed, attracting the attention of Bart. The kitten walked over, putting his paws on Hisoka’s leg and looking expectantly up at him. Illumi reached over and scooped Bart into his lap. Hisoka swung his legs over the side of the bed, standing up and pressing a quick kiss against Illumi’s forehead.

“If Martha is going to call you dear, have to find something else.”  
“You really don’t.”  
“Oh, but I do. Would you prefer something else? I’m _very_ flexible.”  
“I'd prefer you use my name, like everyone else.”

Hisoka rolled his eyes, sighing exasperatedly. 

“I think you know full well I’m not like everyone else.”  
“Yes, that is one way of putting it.”  
“I’ll ignore that. Anyways, if you don’t like darling how about… angel?”  
“No.”  
“Honey?”  
“No.”  
“Baby?”  
“Absolutely not.”  
“Sweetheart?”  
“No.”  
“Love?”  
“Hm.”  
“Is that a yes?”  
“It was a hm.”  
“Is love better than darling?”  
“Not really.”  
“But better than the others?”  
“I guess.”  
“Then I’ll just have to call you both until you pick your favorite.”

Hisoka’s grin was imperturbable, even as Illumi scowled at him. The annoyance was a poor mask for what was an unmistakable flush high on his cheeks. Imagine, an assassin trained to withstand everything but shameless flirtation.  
Hisoka turned around and walked into the bathroom, taunting in his recklessness. Never in a million years would Illumi turn his back to Hisoka in such a manner; not minutes after a fight, at least. Hisoka seemed set on flaunting his lack of survival instincts this morning.  
To his credit Illumi did find it, if not exciting, than at least intriguing. It was so very different than everything he’d ever been taught. A lifetime of training had stressed nothing so much as caution. He would be surprised if Hisoka even knew what that word meant.  
Illumi heard the sound of the shower turning on. Hisoka had left the door mostly open, an invitation, knowing Hisoka. Not today.  
Illumi laid back on the bed, holding Bart over his face. He raised his voice slightly to be heard over the running water.

“So when do I start calling myself a widower?”  
“Sometime after we see the neighbors tonight.”  
“I guess I can wait that long.”

He looked up at Bart, who was angrily beeping at his current predicament. Illumi whispered under his breath, just for Bart’s ears.

“What’d you think?” 

Bart responded by wiggling out of his grasp, landing next to his head with a soft thud. He promptly climbed on top of him, snuggling onto his chest. Bart began to purr as Illumi scratched in between his ears.

“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking too.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They attempt to go to the grocery store, and then end up meeting with some "friends," and no, I'm not talking about the neighbors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meet up with the neighbors is next chapter, because this one ended up getting supppeeerr long. Almost done with finals, and the next part should come out soon! Also, Hisoka is basically just me when I go grocery shopping with my mom, and coincidentally, my mom hates taking me to the store.

Illumi and Hisoka fought often, it was a given. Their relationship was volatile by design. Working together was difficult, living together was proving to be arduous, but grocery shopping together? A task this mundane had no business being so treacherous.  
They had been standing in a grocery aisle for 15 minutes. Standing still, in a grocery aisle, for 15 minutes. 

“That-“ Illumi pointed accusingly at the jar of peanut butter in Hisoka’s hand- “is disgusting. We aren’t buying that.”  
“It’s better than whatever you wanted.”  
“Peanut butter. I wanted peanut butter.”

Hisoka knit his brows, sucking in a breath through his teeth. 

“It was an abomination.”  
“It was peanuts.”  
“It was _only_ peanuts.”  
“Yes? That’s what peanut butter is supposed to be made of.”  
“No, it’ll be nasty. Peanut butter needs other things in it.”  
“It needs peanuts. Not sugar or salt, and whatever else is in that.”  
“It really does need those things, I can assure you.”  
“Do you know how much salt you eat every day? You really don’t need more of it.”  
“When was the last time I did something because it was good for me?”  
“You- that… isn’t an excuse.”  
“Isn’t it though?”

Illumi crossed his arms tightly across his chest, tapping his fingers against his arm. Neither man would back down, both assured in their total correctness. 

“I thought you were in a rush this morning Lumi? At this rate we’ll be here all day.”  
“If I wanted terrible food I’d’ve let you go by yourself.”  
“If you wanted food that actually tasted good, you mean.”  
“ _Real_ food tastes fine.”  
“Pft, yeah, sure it tastes ‘fine’. But I said food that tastes good.”  
“Eating is a necessity, it doesn’t have to be enjoyable, just functional.”  
“How very utilitarian of you. Unfortunately, no other human being thinks like that.” He held the peanut butter up higher, pointing a finger at the label. “Peanut butter needs salt, at least.”  
“Then we can get normal peanut butter and you can salt it.”  
“That isn’t the same thing.”  
“Yes it is.”  
“No, it’s not.”  
“Yes it is.”  
“No. It’s. Not.”  
“Yes it-“ The juvenility of the situation finally dawned on Illumi. “I’m not doing this with you, so fine. But you won’t fight me on… something else.”  
“Oh, but how I do adore fighting with you, love.”  
“Do you want the peanut butter or not?” After a moment he added as a rushed afterthought, “and don’t call me that.”  
“I certainly do want the peanut butter, so I suppose you have a deal.”

Hisoka placed the peanut butter in the shopping cart, making direct eye contact the whole time. Illumi had long since decided Hisoka had only two emotions, hubris and spite. One generally fed the other, and this was some horrid combination of them both.

“You may regret conceding already.”  
“Oh ho, is that a challenge I hear?”  
“A warning.”  
“I’ll have you know I have no regrets.”  
“You will soon.”  
“Over groceries? I think not.”

Illumi pushed the cart forward, turning his head and muttering under his breath, “ _hubris._ ” 

“Hm? Did you say something darling.”  
“No. Don’t call me that.”

The rest of the shopping trip proved fairly placid. Most things were easy, eggs, vegetables, and fruit only come one way. It seemed to all be wrapping up neatly, until the dairy section came around. Illumi opened a refrigerator door, reaching inside and grabbing a container of almond milk. He turned around and noticed the look of disgust on Hisoka’s face.

“Is there something wrong?”  
“That isn’t milk.”  
“It isn’t _cow_ milk, no.”  
“It isn’t milk at all.”  
“Are you sure about that?” Illumi flipped the container over so the label faced up at him, and then tilted it in Hisoka’s direction. “It says milk on the label.”  
“Yes I do know what it says.”  
“Then what’s the issue?”  
“You’re going to get regular milk too right?”  
“No, why would I get two containers of milk?”  
“Why would you get gross water masquerading as milk?”  
“Why would you get salty sugar masquerading as peanut butter?”  
“Thats-“ Hisoka’s eyes narrowed, a flicker of annoyance crossing his thin-lipped smile- “ah. So that’s what you meant earlier.”  
“If you’d rather have milk…” 

Illumi trailed off meaningfully, waiting for Hisoka to volunteer a response. Since Hisoka seemed adamant on silence Illumi began to put the almond milk in the cart. He heard Hisoka sigh deeply, and a smile ghosted his lips. 

“Fine. Almond milk it is.”  
“What.”  
“I said, fine. If you insist on almond milk, I guess it’s what we’re getting.” 

Illumi blinked at him, speechless. He was missing something. Hisoka’s word was meaningless, Illumi knew this. Regardless of what he’d said earlier, if he wanted to fight with Illumi, he would. He always wanted to fight with Illumi. Before Illumi had the time to figure out his angle, Hisoka spoke again.

“Besides, I always knew you’d be a _nut_ milk kind of guy.”

Ah, there it was. 

“Do you really think immature jokes will change my mind?”  
“Of course not! I’m being 100% sincere when I say I knew you’d love _nut_ milk.”  
“Stop saying it like that.”  
“Like what? Nothing wrong with _nut_ milk.”  
“It’s almond milk. Call it almond milk.”  
“Oh yes, but almonds are nuts. Thus, this fine beverage is _nut_ milk.”  
“I will kill you in your sleep.”  
“Mmm, you know when you talk like that it really makes me thirsty for some _nut_ milk.”  
“Never mind, I’ll just run away in the middle of the night. Maybe I’ll join a circus or something.”  
“What a nice jab Lumi. Maybe you’re upset because you’re thirsty for some nu-“  
“Never say that again and I’ll put the almond milk back.”  
“How nice of you to finally see reason.”

Illumi turned around and retuned the almond milk to it’s place on the shelf. In it’s place he grabbed a carton of soy milk instead. 

“I thought you were going to buy normal milk.”  
“I never said that.”  
“Do you have some sort of vendetta against dairy?”  
“The target is lactose intolerant, I figured it would be an easy way to bring it up in conversation.”

Hisoka dropped all pretense, his face awash with exasperation.

“Open with that next time.” 

 

Once back at home, the groceries long since bought and packed away, Hisoka stretched languidly on the couch. Illumi had disappeared upstairs once again, and he had even taken Bart with him.  
He shuffled a deck of cards, flinging one up into the ceiling every so often. He glanced over at a clock on the wall, 3:45pm. At this rate he would die of boredom before 7 came around. He pushed himself up to a seated position, stretching his neck and giving a pleased hum at the resulting cracks.  
There was a tv in the room, though it was small and at least a decade old. The remote sat on top, and while Hisoka had never been one for television, desperate times called for desperate measures. He retrieved the remote and flicked through the channels, briefly wondering if Illumi had bothered with cable or if this was another “gift” from the previous owners. He wasn’t really sure how that whole situation worked anyways. He had used plenty of tv’s, sure, but owned one? Never.  
He found one of the various news channels and paused, listening to the dull drone of the anchor’s voice. It was a local station, and what passed for news here was hardly of note. The shot changed, switching over to a young woman standing in front of a quickly building crowd. As he was about to switch the channel again, two things caught his eye. One, they were covering a large art show, and this particular gallery was not but 20 minutes from him. Two, and more importantly, a man in the crowd was most definitely Chrollo Lucilfer.  
To his disappointment it seemed to be Chrollo, Feiten, and Phinks, so no fight, but still. Here, of all places. Hisoka knew vaguely of a plan to hit Yorknew, but that wasn’t for months, at least. An art show did seem like something Chrollo may attend just for shits, but he was probably there to steal _something_. The reporter continued to speak, but she had long since lost his attention. He stood with the intention of leaving, not bothering to turn the tv off.  
He grabbed the car keys off the counter, fully planning on leaving alone. As his hand connected with the door knob, he remembered Illumi was upstairs. While it may be hard to convince him to leave, the idea of bringing him to bug Chrollo was too tempting to ignore. Illumi was just the wrench to throw in whatever Chrollo was planning.  
He turned around and walked up the stairs instead, opening the door and inviting himself into the room Illumi currently occupied. Illumi didn’t so much as glance his way, but he obviously knew he was there. 

“Knock next time.”  
“Why? Would you be doing something inappropriate in here?”  
“It’s just polite.”  
“You knew I was coming in here. Why would I bother?”  
“I already said, it’s polite.”  
“If it bothers you so much, I’ll knock from now on.” 

Illumi gave a small nod in response, eyes fixed to several monitors. They showed the inside of the neighbor’s houses, at this point mostly empty. Few people were home from work quite yet.  
As Hisoka let his eyes wander over the scene in front of him he noticed Bart, asleep on Illumi’s lap. Illumi was running a hand down the kitten’s back, gently petting him while he slept. It would be a shame to disturb Bart’s nap. 

“I think you should come out with me.”  
“I can’t right now. I’m busy.”  
“You could, if you wanted.”  
“I don’t want to.”  
“I think you do.”  
“After I told you otherwise? That’s a little dense of you.” 

Hisoka ran his hand through his hair, trying to stifle the impulse to attack. If he pissed Illumi off he wouldn’t go anywhere with him. 

“Possibly, but I think if you knew where I’m going, you’d want to come.”  
“Then tell me where you’re going.”  
“There’s an art show near here. I’m going to go meet a friend.”  
“A friend? I wasn’t aware you had those.”  
“What exactly do you think we are?”  
“We’re…” Illumi turned to look at him finally, face contemplative. “Allies, I suppose. Do you consider us friends?”  
“Ugh, Lumi, we’re getting off track. Do you want to come with me or not?”  
“I don’t know. Do you consider us friends?”  
“Are you worried about our relationship? Don’t worry love, you’re my only fake husband.”  
“Thats not what I asked.”  
“And yet, it was implied.”  
“Are you going to answer me or not?”  
“Depends. Are you going to answer my question.” 

Illumi turned back towards the monitors, briefly scanning all of them. Satisfied with what he saw, he turned back to Hisoka. He shifted Bart off of his lap, leaving him on the chair he'd been sitting in. 

“I’ll go with you on one condition.”  
“Let’s hear it.”  
“Tell me your friends name.”  
“Phinks.”  
“Phinks?”  
“Don’t worry about it. You won’t know who he is.”  
“Alright.” 

Illumi walked towards the door, but stopped when he noticed Hisoka wasn’t moving. 

“Are we leaving or not? We can’t be out that long.”  
“Eager to leave now aren’t we?”  
“You’re being awfully evasive today.”  
“Aren’t I always?”  
“Yes, but this is different.”  
“Perhaps you’re reading too much into this, darling.”  
“No, I don’t think so.”  
“You wouldn’t be yourself if you did.” 

Hisoka stepped back, gesturing for Illumi to walk in front of him. Illumi stepped past him, walking swiftly and disappearing around the corner. Hisoka lingered in the room a moment more, Chrollo temporarily forgotten. Were he and Illumi friends? Theoretically yes, but neither of them were really built for friendship. Neither of them were built for love of any kind, not really.  
So why did they persist? What did they have between them? A relationship that was both professional and sexual, but neither of them would admit it was anything in between. Sometimes their relationship could be gentle and sweet, genuine and real, but those moments were flukes, nothing more. To admit they were something greater would imply a sort of humanity both had long since forsaken.  
Hisoka gave his head a shake, ruminating was for the sentimental. He’d never waxed philosophical before, he wasn’t about to start now. Although deep thought reminded him of Chrollo, and that brought him back to the present. Illumi would be pissed if he made him wait any longer. Hisoka hurried down the stairs, not wanting to miss his chance to insert himself where he didn't belong.

 

The sun was still high in the sky, glaring in it’s afternoon high. Illumi had known something was wrong the moment they had arrived. He was glaring daggers into Hisoka’s back as they pushed through the crowd. 

“When you said ‘friend’ you meant ‘phantom troupe member’ correct?”  
“Something like that.”  
“How many are we meeting?”  
“A few.”  
“Hisoka.”  
“Three. I think.”  
“You think?”  
“We’ll know when we meet them won’t we?”

The only thing saving Hisoka’s life was his relevance to Illumi’s current job. As Illumi weighed whether or not he could kill Hisoka and still find his target, he spotted them. He had met Chrollo on three previous occasions, but he’d never met the two other men with him. Chrollo looked up and met Hisoka’s eyes, smiling warmly and waving at them. Illumi was immediately suspicious; the gesture was too familiar for someone Hisoka talked about like a practical stranger.  
In all likelihood, Hisoka purposefully mislead him about how well he knew Chrollo. That wasn’t so much a big deal, Illumi was more concerned about the fourth person who was close, but out of sight. They were obviously strong, so most likely a spider. Whoever they were didn’t seem to be moving, but he would keep them in mind.

“Fancy seeing you here, boss,” Hisoka called out as they neared. 

Chrollo spoke softly once they were closer.

“Fortuitous, I’m sure.” 

Phinks took a step half in front of Chrollo, positioning himself between Chrollo and Hisoka. Feiten gripped his umbrella-sword, eyeing Hisoka warily. Illumi in turn braced himself for conflict, but Hisoka and Chrollo both seemed calm, as though this was just any casual meeting. 

“It’s nice to see you two so excited to see me,” Hisoka cooed.  
“You always seem to show up when no one wants you, huh?” Phinks spat his words at Hisoka, hands clenched.  
“Phinks,” Chrollo laid a hand on his arm, “relax.” He glanced over at Feiten to his left, “you too. Nothing’s happening here.”  
“We keeping it that way,” Feiten glanced over at Illumi, “and who this?”  
“You haven’t heard?” 

Hisoka displayed his left hand, the wedding ring prominent on his finger. 

“This is my husband.”  
“There’s- this- he’s-“ Phinks spluttered through his response, “no one would marry you.” 

Chrollo smiled, laughing lightly for a moment.

“I believe congratulations are in order. Though I’m a little hurt I wasn’t invited.”  
“Aw, don’t take it too hard,” Hisoka turned his head towards Illumi, reaching his hand down and interlacing their fingers, “if anyone had been invited you would’ve been top of the guest list.” 

The air was pierced by the sound of Hisoka’s bones cracking. His fingers splayed out in separate directions as the bones snapped under the pressure. Hisoka didn’t even attempt to lessen the impact, and his smile remained, imperturbable. Phinks stared at the display with open disgust, rolling his eyes when Hisoka winked at him.  
“Are you jealous Phinks?”  
“Of you?” Phinks snorted derisively, “right, like anyone would be jealous of you.”  
“You’d be surprised.” 

Removing his hand from than bruised mess of Hisoka’s freshly broken bones, Illumi stepped slightly forward, irritation palpable. 

“You really wouldn’t,” Illumi brushed his hand on his pants, “the crazy magician shtick isn’t appealing, for some reason.”  
“I don’t know Lumi, you seem to be a pretty big fan.”

Noticing the building tension, Chrollo brushed past Phinks, moving to address Illumi directly. Anything to shut Hisoka up for a second.

“Taking a break from assassination?” 

Illumi gave a small shake of his head.

“Complicated job.”  
“Assassination?” Feiten glared at him suspiciously, “who is he?”  
“Feiten, Phinks,” Chrollo gestured from them to Illumi, “Illumi Zoldyck.”  
“Of course,” Phinks muttered under his breath, “who else did you bring? Satan?”  
“I’m still working on that one, but you’ll be the first to know.” 

Phinks regarded him cooly, clearly unamused.

“Why are you here anyways? This is a little too classy for you isn’t it?”  
“We’re here to steal art Phinks,” Chrollo said, a hint of amusement in his voice, “it’s not exactly the classiest affair.”  
“Well yeah, but he didn’t even know we were here.”  
“But of course I did, Phinks. I always make sure to keep tabs on our dear boss.” 

Feiten piped in, never taking his eyes from Illumi.

“There were cameras earlier, idiot. He could’ve seen us by chance.”  
“Oh. Yeah, right, I knew that.”  
“I’m sure you did,” Hisoka waved his hand dismissively, “but back to thievery. What _exactly_ are you here for?”  
Feiten scoffed, “like you care.” 

Hisoka gasped in mock hurt, but Chrollo interrupted him before he could truly begin his theatrics.

“Nothing major, just a couple of old paintings. They’ll barely even miss them. You’re both welcome to join us if you’d like.”  
“No,” Phinks jabbed a finger at Hisoka, “he isn’t. He’ll mess it up on purpose.”  
“I would never. I am part of this gang after all.” 

As Phinks began to protest Hisoka’s usage of the word gang, Illumi actually addressed Chrollo’s offer.

“We can’t. We already have plans.”  
“Oh? A pity. Maybe next time then.”  
“Although,” Hisoka interjected, “if you’d like to stop over we aren’t staying too far away. I’m sure you can find it.”

Chrollo hummed softly, considering. 

“I may take you up on that offer. So long as you have no issue with it?”

He looked at Illumi expectantly, awaiting an answer. Illumi mulled over the question, considering just _who_ it was Hisoka was inviting into their living space. 

“As long as you can do so inauspiciously-” Illumi looked pointedly at Phinks and Feiten- “I see no problem here. But we need to leave now.”  
“So soon? I suppose I’ll be seeing you later then.” Chrollo shifted his attention back to Hisoka, “don’t get in too much trouble.”  
“Too much is subjective. I get in the perfect amount of trouble.”

Feiten and Phinks both rolled their eyes in unison, the latter giving a loud groan. Illumi put his hand on Hisoka’s shoulder, physically turning him away to leave. As both parties went their separate ways Hisoka turned his head back and shouted. 

“Tell Shalnark I said hi!” 

A voice that was distinctly Phinks’ responded. 

“Get bent!” 

As they crossed the plaza back towards the street, Illumi asked the obvious question. 

“Shalnark was the fourth person right?”  
“Probably? I hope so anyways.”  
“Probably?”  
“I couldn’t tell from that distance. It just seemed like the right guess.”  
“You seemed pretty confidant earlier.”  
“It would be hard to lie to people otherwise.” 

As they got to the car, Illumi unlocked it and slid into the drivers seat. Hisoka looked at the car confused for a moment, giving his pockets a quick pat.

“I don’t remember giving you the keys.”  
“You didn’t.”  
“You stole the car keys?”  
“I would like to live long enough to kill you tonight.”  
“As though I would endanger your life.”  
“You would and have. You endanger my life by being alive next to me.”  
“Yet you ask me to live oh so close to you.”  
“For a time.”  
“And after that?” 

Illumi turned the keys in the ignition, looking at Hisoka curiously. 

“What do you mean? We return to our former arrangement and everything goes back to normal.”  
“Bold of you, to call anything we do normal.”  
“Normal for us. Speaking of which, we need to talk about tonight.”  
“What about it?”  
“You have to be normal. Don’t make anyone uncomfortable.”  
“Trust me, darling, I can act just as normal as you can.”  
“You said I wasn’t very good at it.”  
“Exactly.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A long, awkward, evening spent with neighbors, where we learn that, yes, sometimes normal people can be just as weird as our favorite murder husbands

Seven o’clock found them on their neighbor’s front porch. Illumi hesitated to ring the doorbell, the commotion coming from inside unnerving him. There were at least eight people inside, far more than was ideal for reconnaissance. Hisoka seemed as apprehensive as he felt, staring at the door with open disgust.

“Is there something wrong?”  
“Definitely not. I’m sure this evening will be boring and uneventful.”  
“Isn’t that an issue for you?”   
“Generally, yes.”  
“What’s different about this?”   
“Will it be harder or easier to find your target with this many people inside?”  
“Are you going to answer me?”  
“No.”  
“Fine, be like that. To answer _your_ question, it depends.”  
“On what?”

Illumi gave a small shrug.

“It just depends.”  
“Very specific, thanks love.”   
“Don’t call me that.”   
“Oh? But aren’t we married? Shouldn’t I, your husband, be allowed to use pet names?”   
“I…” Illumi furrowed his brow ever so slightly, “guess it would be alright. If you must. But only for tonight.” 

Hisoka reached down, grabbing Illumi’s hand in his and running his thumb over the knuckles. He brought Illumi’s hand up, pressing it against his own cheek.  
Illumi wanted to look down, to examine Hisoka’s other, badly broken hand. Hisoka had used “texture surprise” to cover up the bruising at his request, and it had looked fine when they left. He was struck with the urge to double check, for some reason. However, it struck Illumi as the sort of thing that may piss Hisoka off, so he refrained.

“Now,” Hisoka turned his head, lightly kissing Illumi’s palm, “you should probably ring the doorbell. Standing out here is getting weird.” 

Illumi looked at him strangely for a moment, but he didn’t pull his hand away. He broke eye contact briefly, to turn and ring the doorbell. As feet approached the doorway he pulled his hand back, that same, questioning look on his face. 

“You seem to enjoy touching my hands.”   
“I certainly enjoy touching _you_ , if that’s what you mean.”   
“It wasn’t. I mea-“ 

Illumi stopped abruptly as the door swung open, revealing Martha Cook. Her face was lightly flushed, though whether from laughter or drink, it was impossible to tell.

“Oh, Hisoka and Illumi! I wasn’t sure you’d make it. Come in, come in.” 

Martha ushered them in, closing the door behind them. 

“You have a…” Illumi glanced around at the bland decor and awkward family photos, “lovely home.”  
“Well thank you very much. You know we-“ 

At this point, Hisoka immediately stopped listening. He followed behind Illumi and the still blathering Martha, dreading the coming evening. The closer they came to the noise, the more Hisoka became sure of his suspicions. One sound stood out above the rest; the sound of small, thumping, feet. _Children._  
God, did Hisoka hate kids. The small ones, anyways. He’d hated being a child, and he’d sooner die than be a parent. He had almost no fond memories of being small, gross, and weak, and he couldn’t fathom how anyone enjoyed the things.   
He supposed this was his payback for dragging Illumi to meet Chrollo and co. earlier. All things considered, Illumi probably loved kids, the traitor. Their sticky hands and runny noses probably reminded him of his own siblings. Though his siblings were almost definitely nothing like normal children, so probably he would hate these ones. There was always hope.

A soft click brought him back to reality, the sound of a door opening in front of him slightly jarring. It led into a living room, and sure enough, there were three small children inside. There were also four adults in the room, seated and talking amongst themselves.   
Martha cleared her throat pointedly, drawing the attention of the other occupants. 

“Ahem, everyone, this is Hisoka and Illumi Morow,” she turned to Hisoka and Illumi, gesturing to the seated individuals one by one. “You both remember my husband David, and these are John and Olivia and their three kids, Alex, Logan, and Lucas. Last, but not least, this is Lindy.” 

Hisoka forgot every name immediately, not that he’d really been paying attention anyways. Illumi had already known every name, and wasn’t listening particularly well either.  
Lindy was heavily pregnant, and not one of the three children was older than seven. Hisoka scoured his thoughts for an excuse, any excuse, to leave. Coming up empty, he instead smiled and waved a little. 

“Well don’t just stand there,” David beckoned them over, “have a seat, stay a while.” 

Illumi and Hisoka both walked over, sitting stiffly on an old couch. David asked Illumi some nonsense, and while Illumi gave a polite, if somewhat stilted answer, Hisoka zoned out once more. His eyes drifted aimlessly around the room, passing over the various faces and worn out furniture. Until, suddenly, a particular question caught his attention. 

“So, you two are married right?” Olivia had asked, and Illumi had responded exactly as he should.   
“Yes.” 

But here’s where things got interesting.

“How long have you been married for?”  
“Only a few months.”   
“How exciting! Did you have a big ceremony?”

He continued to feign disinterest, but Hisoka was paying careful attention now. Illumi hadn’t given him any details about the story they were telling besides, “married.”

“No, not really. Just my family, mostly.”   
“Oh, well, there’s nothing wrong with that, it can be even better, sometimes.” 

Illumi smiled politely and nodded. Then suddenly, with no provocation, John leaned in conspiratorially, as though he had the most important secret in the world to tell. He spoke with the easy confidence of a man who thought himself extraordinarily witty and clever. 

“So which one of you wore the dress?”

He was neither of those things. Before Illumi could even begin to correct the man, Hisoka interjected.

“Me. I looked good too, just so you know,” Hisoka threw in a playful wink, “and before you ask, yes, I am the woman in the relationship.”  
“I- uh…” John stammered, lost for words.   
“Neither of us wore a dress,” Illumi scoffed, “it was a joke.”   
“Shame, I’m sure he would’ve looked good in a dress,” Lindy paused to take a sip of her water, “and I notice you didn’t deny the woman thing.” 

In that moment, Hisoka made his decisions about everyone in the room. David and Olivia, polite but boring. John, Martha, and the children by the virtue of childhood, stupid/bad. Lindy, good. Done. 

“I didn’t think that comment warranted a response, we’re obviously both men.”  
“Oh please,” Hisoka remarked, “ ‘obviously,’ like you’ve never had someone walking behind you address you as ‘miss’.”  
“I’m 6’1, so no.”   
“Come on love, you haven’t been 6’1 forever. I thought you were a girl until you were 15.”  
“You weren’t the brightest child.”  
“So,” Olivia awkwardly inserted herself, “you’ve known each other since you were kids? Were you high school sweethearts or something?” 

There was a slight pause as Illumi considered how to answer that question. He and Hisoka had met as children, ages 12 and 14, but they’d despised each other then. Hisoka had been killing his targets, leaving a playing card in his wake. Illumi had had a whole deck’s worth before they finally met face to face.

“Something like that,” Illumi spoke carefully, “I guess.”  
“That sounds so sweet,” Olivia said wistfully, “you’re both lucky to have met each other so young, it really is a blessing.” 

She certainly had gotten the wrong impression, but far be it from Illumi to correct her. After all, she wasn’t totally wrong. Hisoka had been his first… not-friend. He was the first person he’d gotten to know who wasn’t related to him, at any rate. 

“Yes, it’s been just wonderful,” Hisoka wrapped his arm around Illumi’s waist, smile growing wider when he felt him relax into the touch, “really, I can’t imagine something more perfect.” 

Illumi would bury him alive later, that much was certain. He couldn’t push him away, not without jeopardizing his cover. So just the same as the pet names, he would have to tolerate it for the evening. 

“You two remind me of myself and David when we were young, we-“ 

Her voice faded out like white noise in the background, Hisoka more preoccupied with the feeling of Illumi next to him. It really was nice, just to sit like this. He could call the “risk” exhilarating, but it was just comfortable. Illumi had really cold hands and feet, but he was pleasantly warm otherwise. 

“Uh,” John spoke tenuously, off his game since his first comment, “so, um, why did you guys move out here?”   
“Work.”  
“Oh, uh, what’d you do?”   
“I’m an independent contractor.”  
“In what field.”   
“Life insurance.”

Hisoka nearly bit through his tongue. Illumi owed him now, just for not warning him about that line. “Life insurance agent.” Illumi would never hear the end of this, he’d be sure of that. 

“Ah, so how’s business been out here.”  
“A little slow right now, but everybody dies eventually.”   
“Uh, yeah, I guess they do. Do both of you work?”   
“Why wouldn’t we both work? “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to imply anything, it’s not like, I’m not like that, I don’t-“   
“Joking, John, relax. It was a joke. Yes, Hisoka also has a job.”   
“Right, right,” John pulled at his shirt collar, “so, Hisoka, what’s your job?”  
“Nothing as glamorous as selling life insurance, I’m afraid.”  
“I work in HR,” Lindy laughed, “it can’t be worse than that.”   
“I work in the… entertainment industry.” 

That abruptly ended the conversation, uncomfortable glances shared between everyone who wasn’t Hisoka or Illumi. Illumi was confused, unsure of what had gone wrong. Hisoka knew precisely what had gone wrong, but that didn’t mean he was about to clarify. 

“If no one else is gonna ask…” John hesitated, eyes flicking over to the children playing on the side, “are you a porn star?”   
“Oh my god,” Illumi exclaimed, words coming out of his mouth before he thought to stop them, “no. He’s a magician, he does card tricks and shit.” 

A collective sigh of relief went through the room, meanwhile Hisoka was nearly bent in half from laughter. Hisoka struggled to catch his breath while Illumi glared at him. 

“Sorry about that,” Olivia jabbed John with her finger, “I swear he’s never like this.”

Hisoka waved his hand dismissively, totally collected after his laughing fit.

“It’s quite alright, really. I’m sure that’d be more engaging than my current job.”  
“You know,” Dave hastily intervened, nipping this conversation topic in the bud, “there’s a new art exhibit downtown, they were talking about it on the news earlier.”  
“As it happens, me and Lumi were there earlier.”  
“I saw that too,” Lindy said, “was it any good? I was thinking about going with my husband.”   
“It’s nothing special, I wouldn’t bother.”  
“That’s too bad, Kyle was looking forward to it.”   
“Trust me, he’ll be glad he didn’t.” 

Martha began speaking again, and she lost Hisoka instantly, once again. Hisoka stayed quiet for the rest of the visit, disinterested and disengaged. He didn’t pay attention to anything said or done until it was Illumi telling him it was time to leave. They gave some polite farewells, making for the door as quickly as possible.   
Hisoka had only just stepped out the door when he heard someone from inside call his name. Both he and Illumi turned, just in time to see John racing after them. Hisoka briefly considered leaving anyways, but Illumi grabbed his wrist and forced him to stay.

“Hey, I’m uh, really sorry about being a dick earlier. Hope there’s no hard feelings?”   
“Thanks, but it’s fine. No apology necessary,” Illumi said. 

The only reason the apology didn’t matter was because Illumi’s opinion of the man was so low it couldn’t be salvaged. Hisoka felt the same way, and it was reflected in his complete silence. 

“I think we got off on a bad foot, so, um, if you guys want, me, Kyle, and Greg were gonna go to a bar downtown to watch the football game next Friday. You’re both more than welcome to come.”  
“Sure, I don’t see why not.” 

Hisoka gave a strained, tight-lipped smile. 

“Sure.”   
“Cool, it would be great if I could get one of your guys’s numbers, so I can text you the location and time and stuff.”   
“I-“ Illumi caught himself before refusing outright- “yes, that would be fine.”

Hisoka turned away, laughing lightly to himself. He didn’t bother to wait for him, walking straight home instead. He opened the front door and sat at the dining room table, waiting for Illumi to enter.  
He idly picked at his nails, attempting to puzzle out Illumi’s next move. The man was pissed, no doubt, so a fight seemed likely. He would probably be barraged the moment Illumi closed the front door. There was the potential he went for something more hands on, but that was unlikely.   
The minutes dragged on, and Hisoka considered going back outside to fetch Illumi himself. Right as he was about to stand, the front door opened. Illumi strode into view, stopping just short of the table. Hisoka looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to make the first move.   
Illumi walked up to him slowly, pressing a single finger against his neck. Hisoka felt a small stream of blood run down his neck, and he stared at Illumi curiously. 

“So… is that it?”  
“I’m not really in the mood for this.”  
“So why don’t we fight instead of talk?”  
“No, I meant I don’t want to fight you right now.”  
“Are you fucking serious right now? You’ve wanted to fight me all day, and now that we have the chance you get cold feet?”  
“I didn’t realize you would take it so personally.”  
“I just think if you’ve spent all day saying you were gonna do something than you should-“

Illumi moved his hand to Hisoka’s hair, grabbing a fistful and yanking his head back as he bent down and kissed him. Intense and slow, Hisoka closed his eyes, melting into it. He reached out, pulling at Illumi’s thigh until he moved forward, sitting down to straddle his lap. He slid a hand up Illumi’s leg, resting it on his ass and pulling him closer still. Illumi grasped for Hisoka’s broken hand, squeezing it lightly. Hisoka moaned as the spike of pain traveled up his arm.  
After a few more moments Illumi pulled back, panting lightly. Hisoka slid his fingers under his shirt, trailing his fingertips up and down Illumi’s back.

“I also told you I would do that this morning.”  
“You certainly did, darling.”   
“Don’t-“  
“Ah ah,” Hisoka held a finger up to Illumi’s mouth, “it’s still this evening.”  
“Technically, yes.”   
“Technically’s enough for me.”  
“I like you better when you’re quiet.”  
“There’s lots of way to occupy an errant mouth, if you’re interested.”  
“I could cut your tongue out.”

Hisoka leaned back, regarding Illumi carefully. Illumi stared back, blinking slowly but face unchanging.

“You really do look incredible right now.”  
“This is how I usually look.”   
“Because you’re always gorgeous.”  
“I don’t really appreciate this.”   
“Compliments?”  
“Shallow comments about my appearance to try and get me into bed.”  
“Oh no,” Hisoka chuckled, “you seem to have gotten the wrong impression darling. We would have sex inevitably, anyways. I tell you you’re pretty because I mean it.”   
“Right,” Illumi replied sarcastically, “like I’m going to believe that.”  
“I wish you would,” Hisoka murmured, barely a whisper.

Illumi placed his hands on Hisoka’s shoulders, breaking eye contact and staring at his chest instead. He felt… odd. He wasn’t sure how he felt exactly, only that he probably shouldn’t feel this way about Hisoka. He pushed himself off of Hisoka, missing the feeling of the hand at his back and the legs against his.

“I’m… going to go… upstairs.”  
“Already?”

He nodded once. 

“Goodnight Hisoka.”   
“Goodnight love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anyone is interested... Pink Lemonade by James Bay + Lethal Combination and Lemon to a Knife Fight by the Wombats are great Hisoillu songs... just sayin


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot of talking and they try... duh duh DUH... gardening. Weeding more like, but it's the thought that counts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mild warning for referenced child abuse, it's two sentences because Illumi vaguely mentions something about his family. It's definitely not specific at all, but I don't want it to catch anyone off guard! Thanks for reading!

Illumi was no doubt awake, but Hisoka had gone downstairs before him. He’d brought Bart with him, the kitten insisting on perching on his shoulder. Bart’s tail flicked, brushing the back of his neck. He scooped him up, holding Bart up to eye level. 

“What do you think Illumi would like best, hm?”

Bart blinked at him, unmoving. 

“Coffee? You’re right. You’re always right.” 

He knew Illumi didn’t like coffee, but he didn’t put anything in coffee. It was his own personal challenge, he would make Illumi enjoy coffee. Why? Why not. Illumi would drink the coffee, regardless. Unless he got some sleep last night, which was doubtful, he was running on about three days of no sleep. Even a Zoldyck would drop eventually.  
The smell of fresh coffee wafted upwards, Illumi could surely smell it. He poured two mugs, adding a dash of cream and copious amounts of sugar to one. He sat the mug on the counter, shooing Bart away from it. He waited one, two, three minutes, and sure enough there appeared Illumi.  
Illumi beckoned Bart closer, running his hand over his head. 

“Good morning sunshine.”  
“Somehow that’s your worst pet name yet.”  
“Hopefully this-“ he slid the mug closer to him- “will make up for it.” 

Illumi regarded the drink with disdain. 

“What did you do to it?”  
“Try it. You’ll like it.”  
“That doesn’t answer my question.”  
“What are you afraid of? You’re immune to all poisons, correct?”  
“I’m not afraid of it.”  
“Then take a sip.” 

Illumi brought the mug up to his nose, inhaling deeply.

“I assure you, love, it’s still coffee.”  
“It’s no longer yesterday.”  
“Yes, that’s how it works. Your point?”  
“Don’t call me love or darling anymore.”  
“Back to your rules, I guess.”

Hesitantly, Illumi took a sip of the milky beverage. His eyebrows raised slightly, his expression clearly pleased. 

“Don’t hold back, tell me how much you love it.”  
“It’s… sweet.”  
“Of course. And?”  
“It’s tastes alright, I guess.”  
“By that you mean it’s like heavenly ichor, obviously.”  
“By that I mean it’s full of sugar.”  
“Phrase it as you like.” 

Illumi set the mug back on the counter, trailing his fingertips along it’s surface, waiting for Bart to pounce. 

“I think we should talk about last night.”  
“Oh? What about it?”  
“John is an idiot.”  
“I don’t know, I rather like the idea of you trying to sell people life insurance.”  
“I like the idea of never speaking to John again.”  
“Then you’re in luck, granted he’s your target.”  
“He isn’t.”  
“Do you know who is?”  
“I have… a few ideas.”  
“Enlighten me.”  
“From the surveillance I’m fairly certain it’s Greg.”  
“I thought you said this would take a couple of months?”  
“I didn’t expect people to be this,” Illumi paused, searching for the proper word, “forthcoming.”  
“Suburbia isn’t exactly your area of expertise, after all.”  
“I’m not totally done yet. I need to be 100% sure.”  
“How sure are you right now?”  
“About 80%, give or take.”  
“So we’ll be here what? Another week?”  
“About. I could probably draw this out a little. If you want.”  
“If _I_ want. That’s a big decision.”  
“Not really,” he shrugged, “it won’t change much.”  
“What if he catches on to you and escapes in the middle of the night?”  
“He won’t.”  
“Won’t your dear parents miss you?”  
“My parents are expecting this to take a while, trust me, my absence won’t be felt. Not for a couple weeks, at least.”  
“I’ll take your word for it.”

Illumi took a large gulp of his coffee. He brushed a lock of hair behind his ear absentmindedly, eyes trained on the far wall.

“Something on your mind?”  
“Is it awkward for you?”  
“Is what awkward for me?”  
“Talking about family.”  
“No. Why would it be?”  
“Because you have nothing to offer.”  
“Excuse me?” 

Hisoka’s smile became strained, his fingers tapping a steady rhythm on the countertop. 

“You have nothing to add, conversationally. Either because you don’t wish to or because you can’t, it’s all the same.”  
“You’re an odd one, to criticize the content of my small talk.”  
“More a criticism of the _lack_ of content.”  
“You don’t speak overly much of your family either.”  
“I talk about them all the time.”  
“Mentioning that they exist is different than talking about them.”  
“My families business is private.”  
“Are you covering for your family’s questionable child-rearing practices, or just on principle?”  
“On principle, obviously. What else could I mean?”  
“Don’t worry about it.”

Hisoka took a swig of his coffee, face twisting in disgust once he’d realized it had gotten cold. He considered warming it up, but opted to just dump the cup. For some reason he found himself without the stomach for it. 

“Living here makes me realize why people take up stupid hobbies. Maybe I should find something to do, like day-drinking or something.”  
“Day-drinking isn’t a hobby.”  
“Do you have some better suggestions?”  
“What do you think about gardening?”

Apparently all the neighbors had chosen this fine day to be outside, talking or tending their children/pets as they ran about. More than a little spent on interacting with the neighbors, Illumi had instead decided it would be best to monitor from afar. So could they sit outside and talk? No.

“Weeding seems a little… redundant.”  
“A nice yard is a status symbol.”  
“What status? The status of your neurosis?”  
“Just pull the dandelions out.”

Hisoka twirled one of the yellow flowers between his fingers, rubbing his thumb over the bloom. He looked at the large yellow stain on his thumb, pursing his lips. Illumi was kneeling a few feet to his left, focused on the weeds around him. The yard hadn’t been particularly well kept before they’d arrived, and it’d really gotten out of hand the past few days.

“It seems a waste to throw all these out.”  
“I don’t really care what you do with them.”  
“You could have this whole yard done in five minutes.” “Yes.”  
“So why do I need to be here?”  
“You would’ve come outside to bug me eventually, you may as well help.”  
“I’m not helping though.”  
“I’m aware.”

Hisoka laid down on his back, staring up at the cloudless sky. He squinted against the glaring sun, bringing his hand up to block out the light. He draped his forearm over his eyes, sighing dramatically.

“This is a terrible hobby.”  
“Probably because you aren’t doing anything.”  
“There are always other ways to spend our time.”  
“Sex isn’t a hobby either.”  
“It’s better than weed pulling.”  
“A little hard to keep an eye on the neighbors from inside.”  
“Never said we had to go inside.”  
“There are children here, Hisoka.”  
“Is that your only issue with my proposition?”  
“It’s certainly the most pressing one.”  
“I could give you a more pres-“  
“Help or leave.”

Hisoka sat up, sticking his bottom lip out in a pout. The expression was wasted, Illumi didn’t look. He cast his gaze elsewhere, lazily scanning the street. Illumi had been right, everyone was outside. Lindy, and who he assumed was her husband Kyle, were walking down the street, hand in hand. They were headed in their general direction, and Hisoka resigned himself to another boring conversation. 

“You know what would be nice?”  
“You, helping.”  
“You don’t really need me to help.”  
“I’d appreciate the sentiment.”  
“I’d appreciate not being interrupted.”  
“No one’s stopping you from speaking.”  
“Ugh, now I have to start over.”  
“Is it hard to always be so dramatic?”  
“Inconceivably so. _Anyways_ , you know what would be nice?”  
“No, Hisoka, I don’t,” his tone dripped sarcasm. “what would be nice.”  
“Since you’re obviously so interested, I’ll tell you. It would be nice if you and I went on a proper vacation.”  
“Vacation?”  
“This whole thing is sort of like a vacation, just, you know, a terrible one.”  
“This isn’t a vacation. I’m still working.”  
“Yes, but you _like_ working. This is fine for you.”  
“I assume that when you say ‘proper vacation’ you mean one where I’m not working.” 

Hisoka laid back down, rolling onto his side to face Illumi. 

“Well duh, that’s what a vacation is all about.”  
“I haven’t taken a day off work since I was-” Illumi fiddled with the leaves in his hands- “fourteen? Thirteen, maybe.”  
“Oh? Why was that?”  
“Medical complications.”  
“And what’s that code for?”  
“I got in an argument with my father. It didn’t end very well.”  
“So the Zoldyck’s aren’t too good for regular, old fashioned, child abuse. It’s almost reassuring.”  
“What?”  
“What?” 

Illumi stopped pulling weeds, staring at Hisoka blankly. Hisoka opened his mouth a couple times, trying and failing to restart the conversation. Illumi turned back to the weeds, slowly working his way though the dozens dotting the lawn. 

“So… a vacation,” Hisoka spoke awkwardly, “it could be like a honey moon.”  
“Where would we go?  
“Somewhere warm and tropical. Beaches are all the same, really.”  
“Beaches are very different.”  
“If you think so, you can pick the beach, love.”

Illumi stilled, Lindy and Kyle within ear shot. 

“I believe I told you to help, or go inside.”  
“I’m providing emotional support.”  
“So you’re about as helpful as Kyle, _and_ you make the same excuses.”

Lindy and Kyle had stopped walking, standing on the sidewalk in front of their house. 

“Nice to see you Lindy,” Illumi nodded politely, “and…” he trailed off, waiting for one of them to pick up.  
“This is my husband Kyle. He’s always working, so don’t be surprised if you never see him again.” 

Kyle waved, giving a small, tight lipped smile. 

“We should be seeing him again on friday,” Illumi questioned, “right?”  
“Right,” Kyle rolled his eyes, “the bar.”  
“Oh,” Hisoka smiled, bemused, “not a fan?”  
“Well,” Lindy glanced around conspiratorially, “you met John. You know, him and Greg, birds of a feather.”  
“Great,” Illumi shook his head, “just great.”  
“Sorry, didn’t mean to ruin your plans or anything,” Lindy apologized, “we should get going. Have a nice rest of your day!”  
“Yeah, you too,” Illumi said quietly. 

They both watched as Lindy and Kyle walked away, gently swinging their hands between them. Illumi looked at the weeds and then stood up, brushing his hands off on his pants. He stepped over the pile of discarded greens, walking closer to Hisoka. 

“Going somewhere?”  
“No,” Illumi laid down next to him, “but weeding sucks.”  
“I told you as much.”  
“Laying here kind of sucks too, though. There’s not even clouds.”  
“Do you actually try to find shapes in them? I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who actually does that.”  
“It can be fun, sometimes.”  
“Wait, let me guess. You used to do it with Killua?”  
“Is there something wrong with that?”  
“Did you ever do anything with your other siblings?”  
“Yes, just not quite as much.”  
“Why not?”  
“Milluki was difficult, even when he was little. Kalluto always wanted to spend his free time with mom.”  
“Don’t you have another one?”  
“I don’t see a lot of Alluka.”  
“What was so special about Killua?”  
“He was so attached to me. He’d always ask for me when I came back from jobs. A habit he had to be broken of, for his own good.”  
“God forbid he love his brother.”  
“What do you mean? He loves me.”  
“I’m sure you feel that way.”  
“I do.” 

Hisoka rolled onto his back, bringing his hand up over his eyes again. One day Illumi would realize. It’d probably be the day he died.

“Do we have anything important to do today? Or is this it?”  
“I guess this is it.”  
“I’m going inside then. I’d rather Bart not destroy something out of boredom.”  
“That almost sounds responsible of you.”  
“I’m full of surprises.”

Hisoka sat up, leaning over and kissing Illumi on the forehead. Illumi grabbed his wrist as he moved to stand up.

“What was that?”  
“A kiss. Was it not enough?”  
“It was odd.”  
“I’ve never pretended to be anything but. Is this another thing I’m never allowed to do again?”  
“I may allow that, in moderation.”  
“Define moderation.”  
“That’s-“ Illumi sat up as well, quickly pressing a kiss to Hisoka’s lips- “open for interpretation.”  
“Leaving things to my discretion doesn’t usually work out well. How can you be sure I won’t take advantage of this?”  
“I’m counting on it.” 

Hisoka placed a finger under Illumi’s chin, tilting his head up slightly. He gave him one more quick kiss, letting his fingertips trail up the side of his face. 

“Are you coming inside?”  
“I have weeding to finish, I’ll be in soon.”  
“The weeds won’t go anywhere if you take a break.”  
“Depends on how long of a break.”  
“Fifteen, maybe twenty minutes if you’re in a rush. I’ll take whatever time you have.”  
“I really should finish this.”  
“Later. You should finish this later.”  
“I should finish this now. Go play with Bart or something.”  
“If you insist, love.”  
“Hisoka?”  
“Yes?”  
“Don’t push it.”  
“For you, darling? Anything.” 

Hisoka laughed at the sound of Illumi sighing. He flashed him a smile while Illumi glared at him, blowing him a kiss as he closed the door. Bart was sitting right in front of the door, instantly coming up to rub against his legs. Hisoka picked him up, Bart meowing his protest. 

“You, Dr. Bartholomew the 4th, are going to occupy _anywhere_ else. Hope that won’t be a problem.” 

The kitten meowed again, long and grating. 

“Unfortunately for you,” he tapped the kitten’s nose, “I don’t really care.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somehow these two idiots manage to make a nap dysfunctional, but we got some more gooooood fluff

Hisoka watched the kitten for a bit, enjoying his antics. He heard the soft sound of the door opening. Illumi’s footsteps were silent, not even Bart noticed him. Illumi entered the living room, standing at the edge of the couch. 

“Are you going to sit down?”  
“You seem otherwise engaged.”  
“He can be moved.”  
“Are you sure about that? He’s very determined.”  
“Do you doubt my ability to manage a kitten?”

Illumi sat next to Hisoka on the couch, close but not touching. He crossed his legs, hands folded in his lap. 

“Is there a reason for the sudden stiffness?”  
“There’s nothing wrong with the way I’m sitting.”  
“I didn’t say there was, but since you’re so concerned about it, I think there is something wrong.”  
“Oh?” 

Hisoka dumped Bart unceremoniously on the floor, twisting to sling his legs over the couch’s armrest and placing his head in Illumi’s lap. 

“You’re too far away.”  
“I see. You would consider that a problem.”  
“Don’t worry, I fixed it.” 

Illumi traced hisoka’s features, feeling the curve of his lips and the line of his jaw. Hisoka let his eyes shut, immersed in the gentle touches roaming his face. Illumi brought his hand up to comb through Hisoka’s hair, frowning slightly at the stiffness.

“You put a lot of product in this.”  
“It doesn’t just defy gravity on it’s own.”  
“I wouldn’t put it above you to use nen somehow.”  
“Bungee gum doesn’t have that kind of structural integrity, I’m afraid.”  
“Then make something that does. Sort of the point of being a transmuter isn’t it?”  
“I don’t judge your hatsu.”  
“I’m not judging. It’s just a suggestion.”  
“It’s a judgmental suggestion.”  
“Perhaps.”

Hisoka laughed, eyes fluttering open. A small smile graced Illumi’s lips. 

“You’re in an awfully good mood today.”  
“Maybe it was the coffee.”  
“Maybe it’s the sleep deprivation finally setting in.”  
“I have at least another day or two before that happens.”  
“I’d like to see that.”  
“Why?”  
“It’d be nice to see you a little more relaxed.”  
“You’ve seen me asleep before. It’s impossible to be more relaxed.”  
“With the way you sleep? Yes it is.”  
“That’s your opinion.”  
“My objective opinion.”

Hisoka laughed again when Illumi flicked his nose. 

“Maybe you should take a nap or something.”  
“Kind of hard to do when you’re laying on me.”  
“Wait. You’re… actually considering it?”  
“Yes. Should I not be?”  
“No- I, well. Maybe not. Aren’t you busy?”  
“I can spare an hour.”  
“If you have so much time we coul-“

Illumi held a single finger to Hisoka’s lips, shushing him.

“I’m not going to have sex with you, I actually need to sleep. You are welcome to take a nap with me.”  
“So… I can lay down with you, in bed, just us, in the dark, but I’m expected to go to sleep?”  
“Those are ideal sleeping conditions, so yes.”  
“You consider sleeping with me ideal?”  
“You’re very warm.” 

Hisoka pushed himself upright, leaning on a hand placed on the other side of Illumi’s lap. His lips met Illumi’s, the kiss slow and gentle. He pulled back after a few seconds, letting his head rest on Illumi’s shoulder.

“I think I’ll take you up on that offer.”  
“Then get up.”

Hisoka pressed another quick kiss to Illumi’s cheek, sliding his legs off the couch and popping to his feet. He offered his hand to Illumi, smiling invitingly. Illumi brushed his hand to the side, standing without his help. Hisoka linked their fingers together regardless, leading him upstairs. 

“I think we had more sex when we weren’t living together.”  
“I’m fairly certain that’s usual for married couples.”  
“Your parents bred like rabbits.”  
“Don’t bring up my parents’ sex life again.”  
“Can do.”

Bart followed them all the way upstairs, racing ahead of them at the top. He sat at the door, meowing impatiently. 

“We have a guest, I see,” Hisoka nudged the kitten with his toe.  
“He’s the nosiest cat I’ve ever met.”  
“He’ll be worse if we don’t let him in the room.”  
“You say this with confidence?”  
“I learned as much earlier.”

Hisoka opened the bedroom door, Bart slipping through as soon as it opened a crack. The kitten promptly jumped on the bed. He sat directly in the middle of the bed, tail flicking wildly. Hisoka moved the sheets back, sitting on the edge of the bed and pulling Illumi to join him. He crawled past him, sweeping Bart to far side of the bed.  
The kitten yowled pitifully. 

“He’s every bit as overdramatic as you are.”  
“Learning from the best.” 

Illumi shook his head, laying back against the pillows. 

“Just go to sleep before I change my mind.”

Hisoka slid his legs under the blankets, rolling onto his side and pulling Illumi closer to him.

“You could just ask me to move.”  
“It’s more fun this way.”  
“For you, maybe.” 

Illumi turned towards the embrace, pushing his face into Hisoka’s chest. 

“I don’t see you complaining.”  
“Like I said, you’re warm.”  
“Goodnight, love.”  
“It’s the middle of the day.”  
“Don’t think about it too hard.”  
“Stop talking.”  
“Right, sleeping.”  
“No, I can feel the vibrations in your chest when you speak. It’s weird.”  
“Oh, okay. I could move or-“  
“Stop. Talking.”  
“Then why are you laying ther-“  
“Hisoka.”  
“I mean, if it bugs you-“  
“Jesus Christ, shut the fuck up.”  
“Then move.”  
“You won’t talk once you’re asleep.”  
“Then stop complaining.”  
“Then stop talking.”  
“I’ll stop talking in one second just-“  
“You could stop talking now.”  
“WHY ARE YOU LAYING THERE?”  
“You pulled me over here.”  
“You. Aren’t. Moving.”  
“Why would I move?”  
“Why wouldn’t you?”  
“Because it’s nice to hear your heartbeat.”  
“That’s sweet, but I’m absolutely livid, just so you know.”  
“If it means you’re going to stop talking, that’s great.”  
“You know-“  
“Goodnight, Hisoka.”

Hisoka grit his teeth, carefully controlling his breathing. He was a secretive person, always had been. He preferred to call it “private,” but it’s all the same. Illumi, though? Illumi? The man made withholding information an art. Half the time Hisoka wasn’t sure it was purposeful.  
Illumi believed in efficiency above all else. Only the most salient information was worth telling. Unfortunately for Hisoka, his priorities were unintelligible. Communication was not his strong suit. It wasn’t a strength for Hisoka either, in all fairness, but he meant to be frustrating. Illumi was just like that.

“Hisoka.”  
“You told me to be quiet. I’m quiet.”  
“You’re tense, it’s distracting.”  
“Moving is always an option.”  
“The bed isn’t that big.”  
“It’s big enough.”  
“You’re always telling me to relax, take your own advice.”  
“Don’t use my own words against me.”  
“It’s easy, considering there’s so many of them.”

Hisoka twisted one of his hands into Illumi’s hair, feeling the soft strands run in between his fingers. He watched the black locks fall from his hand, smooth as silk. 

“You have nice hair.”  
“Is chatter relaxing to you?”  
“In a sense.”  
“Why?”  
“What do you mean?”  
“How is talking relaxing?”  
“I don’t know. I don’t really think about it.”  
“Yes, you do.”  
“You’ve caught me red-handed.”  
“Then tell me.”  
“Suddenly I’m overcome with fatigue.”  
“Hisoka.”  
“Going to sleep now.”  
“Fine.” 

Hisoka listened as Illumi’s breath evened out, the gentle rhythm of restful sleep. Bart had snuggled into the small of Illumi’s back, finally quiet. Falling asleep was equal parts wasteful and irresistible. This kind of calm was satisfying in it’s novelty, a shred of normalcy unique to his situation. The fact that it would end was the best part, deadlines both threatening and safe.  
Illumi shifted, face burying into Hisoka’s shoulder. Slowly he felt himself drift closer to unconsciousness, the world fading away. Toys were good for a time, but eventually everything breaks. There wasn’t anything wrong with holding on to one for a while. Maybe a long while. Maybe a _really_ long while.  
A last thought flitted through his mind, a passing notion.

_You may break me before I break you, darling._


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hisoka and Illumi deal with Hisoka's "coworkers" and solidify some future plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mild warning for canon typical misgendering, really really vague line that refers to (and misgenders, because this is Illumi) Alluka.

Hisoka was roused by the shifting of his bed partner. Illumi pulled himself away, sitting up and letting his legs hang off the bed. Bart didn’t budge, silent and still as death. The gentle rise and fall of his chest was the only thing signifying otherwise.  
Hisoka reached blindly for his phone, patting the side of the bed until his fingers found the cool screen. He pressed the power button and squinted against the glaring light, barely able to make out the time. It had been precisely one hour since they’d laid down.

“If you could keep such good track of time,” Hisoka muttered, “you probably didn’t sleep that well.”  
“I always sleep like this.”  
“Maybe you never sleep well.”  
“I sleep just fine.”  
“You certainly seem to think so.”

Illumi slid to his feet, ignoring Hisoka’s last comment. He straightened his shirt and combed his hair back into place with his fingers. 

“You may want to get up now.”  
“What ever for? You know I’m not going to help you with the weeding?”  
“The weeding’s done. We have guests.”  
“Fun guests?”  
“Sure.” 

Hisoka popped out of bed, invigorated by the news. His hair bent in odd directions, a poor combination of product and pressure. He didn’t bother with his presentability, cutting past Illumi to exit the bedroom.  
Once at the top of the stairs he could better detect the presence of the people on their doorstep. _People_ plural, irritated him, but he had expected no less. Chrollo, Feitan, Phinks, and Shalnark, presumably.

Hisoka walked down the stairs, giving his head a shake in a half-assed attempt to smooth the wreck of his hair. Illumi had followed behind him, stopping on the stair landing. He pulled the door open, flashing a brilliant smile at their guests.

“Boss, what a pleasant surprise.”  
“Hisoka,” Chrollo returned a pleasant smile, “nice to see you again.”

Hisoka stepped back, opening the door wider and gesturing them inside. Chrollo entered without hesitation, but the rest lingered.

“I can’t leave this open all day,” Hisoka began to close the door, “but I’m more than happy to accommodate if you’d like to wait out here.”  
“No,” Phinks put his hand out, blocking the door, “we’re not leaving him alone with you freaks.”  
“Tsk, tsk, Phinks,” Hisoka chided. “You’re being a bad guest.”  
“What’re you gonna do, kick us out? I’d like to see you try.”  
“In my experience,” Hisoka stated casually, “removing unwanted guests has involved body bags.”  
“Are you threatening me?”  
“Phinks, I wouldn’t start this fight right now,” Chrollo warned.  
“Fine,” Phinks glared at Hisoka.  
“Aw, how cute! Like a puppy called to heel,” Hisoka taunted, “is he going to scratch your belly now?”  
“Why you-“ Phink’s temper returned with a passion, but he was caught off guard by the small furry thing winding through Hisoka’s feet- “what is that?” 

Bart slipped away from Hisoka, staring at the open world just inches away. His ears twitched, suspicious of the strangers in his home. Cautiously, Bart crept towards the outdoors, considering his escape. Just as he made a break for it, Chrollo picked him up, stopping the rebellious kitten in his tracks.

“I think a better question might be, who is this?” Chrollo allowed the kitten to clamber onto his shoulder, digging his tiny claws into the fabric of his shirt.  
“This is-“  
“Bart,” Illumi interrupted, “the cat’s name is Bart.”  
“Oh, that’s-“  
“No,” Hisoka interrupted Chrollo as Illumi had interrupted him, “his name is Doctor Bartholomew the 4th.”  
“Prestigious,” Chrollo nodded approvingly, “and where did our furry friend get his degree?”  
“Dart _meow_ th,” Hisoka answered, not missing a beat.

Any remaining tension dissolved, Illumi, Feitan, Shalnark, and Phinks united in mutual disgust. Chrollo had the gall to laugh. 

“Don’t do that,” Feitan shook his head, “you’re encouraging him.”  
“I’m sorry,” Chrollo lifted Bart from his shirt, easing his claws out, “I know I shouldn’t.” 

Hisoka eased pressure off the door, allowing the three outside to enter. Shalnark pushed the door shut after himself, nudging it closed with his foot. 

“I don't think I have to ask this question, but how did the heist go?” Hisoka turned his attention to Chrollo, “did you get all the paintings your heart desired?”  
“It went great!” Shalnark interjected, “no one even got hurt!”  
“Five people died, Shal,” Phinks corrected.  
“I meant us. None of us got hurt.”  
“Oh.” 

Hisoka never took his eyes from Chrollo, ignoring the rest. “Did they have to close the gallery?”  
“Blood splatters are awfully hard to get off canvas-” he let Bart down, the kitten scampering away back to the relative safety of the stairs- “or so I’ve been told.”  
“Was there some sort of decent security, that people had to die?”  
“They didn’t have to,” Chrollo waved his hand dismissively, “and I didn’t kill anyone. Ask Feitan if you’re curious.” 

A quick glance at Feitan told Hisoka that he really shouldn’t ask him about anything, ever. Not that was he seriously considering it. The less interaction with the other troupe members, the better. Thankfully for all, the feeling was mutual. 

“No, I think that's alright.” Hisoka paused, peering down the hallway into the kitchen. “I’d invite you to sit, but the chair situation’s pretty dismal. I suppose we could stand in the kitchen, if you'd rather.”  
“Don't worry about it, we won't be long anyways.” Chrollo laughed, gesturing at his friends behind him, “they may mutiny if we stay too long.”  
“You didn't have to bring them along,” his tone was a mix between teasing and exasperated, betraying his very real annoyance with their presence. “Nobody forced you.”  
“Like I said,” Phinks spoke through gritted teeth, “we weren't gonna let him come in here by himself. I know what you think, but we aren't that stupid.”  
“Of course,” Hisoka cooed as though he was speaking to a child, “you're all very intelligent.”  
“If we could stay on topic, please? I’d like to keep this short, I wouldn't want to impose,” a lightness played through Chrollo’s words. “We don't all share your complete lack of shame, you know. I'd hate to feel like I was intruding, I mean,” he looked pointedly at Illumi, “how much time do you actually get to spend together?”  
“If we spent this much time together regularly,” Illumi spoke for the first time since coming downstairs, “we’d kill each other. It's for the best.”  
“Fair enough,” Chrollo gave a light hum. “Now, I'd ask that this conversation happen in private, but we all know that won't happen. So, Hisoka,” a serious edge crept into his voice, “you didn't have to join the troupe just to get a spider tattoo.”  
Hisoka cocked an eyebrow, “what exactly are you trying to insinuate?”  
“That you don't do anything,” Feitan spat, “he was pretty transparent.”  
“I didn't realize I had membership dues,” Hisoka mused, “should've read the fine print.”  
“Don't misunderstand, I’m not here to chew you out.” Chrollo smiled, expression at odds with tone, “It’s a reminder. The next time the troupe meets, it won't be optional.”  
“I’m touched that you came all this way just to vaguely threaten me,” the faux humor dropped for a moment, “but I’m sure you have something more pressing to attend to.”  
“Not really. You're a tricky one to pin down, so this conversation had to take precedence over the rest of our itinerary.”  
“I think you’ve made your point. If that's all, you know where the door is.”  
“Then I suppose we’ve overstayed our welcome,” the former tenseness bled out, if only for pleasantries. “I’ll be seeing you soon, Hisoka.”  
“Sure thing, boss,” Hisoka’s smile grew tight, “looking forward to it.” 

Feitan had already slipped outside, and Shalnark was quick to join him. Phinks glared daggers at Hisoka, who returned his gaze with a cheery smile. Chrollo gave a curt nod to Illumi in farewell, stepping out followed closely by Phinks.  
As Phinks cast one more dirty look at Hisoka, he flipped him off. Hisoka responded with a halfhearted wave, briefly considering cutting his finger off with a well timed card. It would be easy, but hand wounds were messy. Illumi would insist the blood be cleaned. Perhaps they could just buy a rug. Perhaps they should buy a rug anyways. God knows they could use some decoration.  
As he pondered the logistics of maiming Phinks he was only faintly aware of the door closing. Bart, newly aware of the wonders of the outdoors, scratched at the door. Illumi sat on the stair landing, watching Bart curiously. 

“I think I’m sick of guests,” Hisoka inspected his nails, “sick of people, really.”  
“We don't have to stay too much longer.” Illumi shrugged. “You, personally, won't have to speak with anyone else until Friday. I can wrap this job up after that.”  
“I suppose that's where our problem lies. It’s been quite nice having you all to myself, but I despise the idea of sharing you.”  
“Well… I’ve been working.”  
“Your point?”  
“You haven't had me alone. Not really. I don't have the time for distracting activities.”  
“The only thing I am is distracting. Besides,” Hisoka walked over to Illumi, leaning against the stair railing, “you’d enjoy being distracted. It’d be good for you.”  
“I’m not arguing that. I’m saying I can't afford the distraction, currently.”  
“My initial impression suggested otherwise.”  
“Try not to sound so disappointed. It was your own misplaced inference.” 

The biggest pitfall in their conversations, implications. Far be it from either to speak clearly. Miscommunications became no ones exclusive fault, and thus always the other persons fault. 

“You know what this afternoon has really put on my mind?” Hisoka paused, but not long enough for Illumi to guess. “We need more furniture. Even just a rug, or something.”  
“Why? You seemed fairly unenthusiastic about staying for too long. Why would we get furniture only to leave by the end of the week?”  
“I didn't say we couldn't stay for a little longer than that. I could stand another week or two. Maybe, three, but that would be my limit.”  
“I can guarantee two and a half weeks.”  
“And then after that? I wasn't kidding about that vacation earlier. We can go somewhere warm and tropical, with time for plenty of distractions.”  
“I don’t see why not, as long as there isn't a job lined up by the time I get back.”  
“That sounds like a problem for later. For now, I think furniture was the topic.”  
“I don't really care about that sort of stuff,” Illumi scanned the empty foyer, “though I guess this does look awfully… lonely.”  
“Let me take care of it. I have an eye for this,” Hisoka looked at Bart, watching him continue to scratch at the door futility. “He may be an issue. I've never had to factor a cat into my interior design.”  
“It won't be our furniture for very long, no need to factor in damages. Though-“ Illumi focused on the insistent kitten- “Bart is another issue. We can't take him with us on vacation.”  
“He’s easy to manage, and who would stop us? Who could?”  
“After that? Post-vacation, what do we do with him?”  
“You have a pack of younger siblings, and kids dig pets. Seems pretty cut and dry.”  
“Pets don't survive very long on the estate. Those sort of attachments are beneath assassins.”  
“Then keep him in your room. You have butlers.”  
“The butlers aren't allowed in my room.”  
“Come on,” Hisoka sighed in exasperation, “you have far too many people living in and around your mansion to be like this. There has to be _someone_ you know who can take him.”  
“Actually,” Illumi thought for a second, “I do know something- body. He’ll like him. Probably.”  
“Glad that's settled. If we're done here, I'm going to make dinner. Are you eating?”  
“You're… making us dinner?” Illumi asked, incredulously.  
“If you want some. I'm definitely making me dinner, at least.”  
“Why would you do that?”  
“I don't want to have this conversation right now. Are you hungry or not?”  
“Yes. I guess.”  
“Then I will make _us_ dinner. I wouldn't say no to help, but your secret cameras are calling, hm?”  
“We’ll be here a while. If you'd like help some other day, I'll be available.”  
“I’ll be sure to take you up on that, love.”  
“Good,” Illumi stood, “and, Hisoka?”  
“Mhm?”  
“Keep an eye on Bart if he stays down here with you.”  
“Of course,” a wide grin spread on Hisoka’s face, “darling.”  
“Too far.”  
“I think you mean: perfect.” 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know how in romantic comedies they always have that scene near the end where the couple gets in this HUGE fight and then they break up, only to spend days/weeks apart like :( because they didn't realize what they meant to each other, until some convenient plot device forces them back together?
> 
> This isn't really like that at all, they just fight a bit

The previous night set the precedent for the next few days, quiet hours spent in close proximity. Whoever woke first made coffee, the other breakfast. Illumi kept tabs on the neighbors, most notably Greg, almost all hours of the day. Hisoka considered the furnishings. He'd taken to speaking with Bart, and the kitten had taken to talking back.

“So, Bartholomew,” Hisoka examined the foyer, “we decided on a rug, for sure. Something cool, to compliment the walls.”  
_Meow._  
“We did consider purple, but we threw that out. A really rich blue would look nice. It can't be too big though, we don't have the room.”  
_Meooooow._  
“Yes, and it has to fit in the car, I didn't forget.”  
_Meeeoooooowww._  
“I don't appreciate your tone, young man.”  
“He can't understand what you're saying, I’m not sure why you bother.”

Hisoka craned his neck to look up at Illumi, who was leaning over the bannister at the top of the stairs.

“That attitude is why he's so mouthy,” he chided. “He wouldn't act out if you payed him some attention.”  
“Isn't he a little young for the rebellious youth phase?”  
“It's never too early for some good, old fashioned, teenage rebellion. Besides, look at your brother.”  
“Do not bring Killua into this,” Illumi’s tone was threatening, the ripples of his aura setting Bart on edge. The kitten’s tail bristled, stiff and straight.  
“For all you knew I was talking about Milluki.” Hisoka tried to pet Bart, but the kitten shot off like a bullet; running to hide under a chair. “Look what you've done to the poor cat.”  
“He’ll get over it.”  
“That doesn't make it nice. He has feelings you know.”  
“He’s a cat, Hisoka. Forget him, we need to talk.”  
“We are talking,” he flashed him a brilliant smile. 

Illumi didn't rise to the bait, clearly unamused. He walked downstairs, brushing past Hisoka, who followed close behind. He sat at the table, gesturing for him to take the other seat. Illumi waited until he was settled, and then began speaking.

“I got a phone call from my mother this morning, requesting a progress update. She was concerned that the job had been compromised somehow.”  
“Why? You told them to expect two months, and it's only been a week. Isn't this within the timeframe for most jobs anyways?”  
“Yes to both, but she's been rather anxious lately.”  
“You mean obsessive? You're a grown man who, to my knowledge, is rather good at his job. She doesn't need to check in like that.”  
“You’re-“ he hesitated to agree- “mostly right, but still. I gave her an approximate time frame, and she wants me back home by Sunday.”  
“I’ve spent the past two days trying to decide on furniture,” a steely edge crept into his voice, “assuming we would be here for almost 20 days, not four.”  
“I understand that you're… frustrated,” the sudden lilt combined with the pause made this an obvious guess. “But this isn't terribly unusual. I always give myself a larger window than I need, to try and account for unforeseen contingencies.”  
“How nice for you, and here I was, thinking we had plans. Nice to see you overestimated your parent’s leniency as well.”  
“It was unusual that she called so early,” Illumi clarified, “and we did have plans. We could still have plans.”  
“Your parents can't even leave you alone when you're working, what makes you think they'd let you take time off?”  
“So long as I was reachable in case of an emergency, I believe they would. As long as I have a good reason.”  
“Is not having taken any time off in a decade not reason enough?” He’d never understand these goddamn Zoldyck's, but maybe it was better like that.  
“It won't be for them. I've always liked working, they'll be suspicious. It's why I never take time off.”  
“You like work?” Frustrations mounting, he decided to dig. He pushed false cheer into his words, forcing them to sound as polite inquiries, but not quite masking the bite. “What part about your work is enjoyable to you? Killing people?”  
“No, I don't think about the targets anymore. Killing is a means to an end, most of my job is the setup.”  
“In that case,” he began the lead up to a conclusion Illumi was sure to hate, “you could say it's not the job you enjoy, per se, but traveling alone and generally being busy. Do you agree with that statement?”  
“Yes, in essence, that's what I like about it.”  
“And it's always been like that? Exactly like that? Since you can remember?”  
“Mostly. I wasn't alone when I started, someone was always monitoring my jobs.”  
“How old were you when they finally let you kill like a big boy? Without someone breathing down your neck?”  
“Right after Killua was born,” he seemed slightly taken aback, now wary of the questions, “so about twelve, I think.”  
“Did working become more enjoyable?”  
“A little. Where is this going?”  
“Have you ever considered that maybe, just maybe, what you like about working is being away from your family and being able to forget they exist? That you work as much as possible so you don't have to see them?”

Illumi stood abruptly, hands clenched like steel. Blood dripped down his palms where fingernails had punctured skin. His voice was tense, but it remained perfectly level. 

“Those accusations are baseless, and frankly ridiculous. My family means everything to me, I would never abandon them.” After a moment he added, brusquely, “I have all the information I need for this job and your assistance is no longer required here. I'll be gone by tomorrow morning, you may leave at any time.” 

Hisoka watched him walk away, a bitter residue coating his tongue. He didn't regret saying it, and if anything, Illumi’s defensiveness proved him right. Proved more than he'd said, actually. “Abandon” was an interesting term, one he hadn't used. Funny, how the mind fills in those blanks sometimes. 

If Hisoka had ever been the sort to follow instructions, he may have left. He would've walked away too, and they would've pretended this whole thing never happened. In fact, keeping with his usual flippant, selfish persona, he should've left.  
In the end, he'd always be about wants. He had a carefully crafted image because he wanted to. He lied because he wanted to. He’d agreed to help because he'd wanted to. He wasn't about to leave because, quite simply, he didn't want to. 

Bart reemerged from under his chair, pawing at his legs to be lifted. Once set on the table, he stared at Hisoka, uncharacteristically still. His tail flickered a bit, but otherwise his eyes bored into Hisoka’s, with a manner much too judgmental for a kitten.

“I’m not going to apologize,” he whispered, “I wasn't wrong.” He returns the kitten’s challenging glare. “If you weren't a cat you'd know I’m right.”  
A slow blink. “You can't guilt me into doing something, stop trying.”  
Two slow blinks, a soft mew. “Even if, _if_ , I did _something,_ it wouldn't be as an apology. Because I wasn't wrong, I just don't want him to not talk to me.” 

He waited two more seconds, resolve crumbling before it ever existed. “Fuck me, where are the car keys?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to think of Bart as having a deep voice and saying things like, _truth without compassion is simply needless cruelty_ but alas, it's just Hisoka externalizing his (admittedly skewed) moral compass. A broken clock is right twice a day people.
> 
> As far as "plot" goes, chapter 11 will be the end of it! 12 is just a silly bit of nonsense, which involves Greg dying for closure on the premise of this fic. I promise the ending is fluffy as all fuck though


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the first time, perhaps ever, they have a conversation like adults and come dangerously close to open and honest communication. They manage to reach a resolution that suits them both quite nicely.

He’d never really baked before. He hadn't had the the time, the energy, the will. He knew the basic principles of baking, mix the ingredients, cook the ingredients. The brown substance in the bowl looked how he'd always supposed cookie dough would look. It tasted right, at least.  
Tinfoil went on baking sheet, globs of dough went on foil, and the entire pan was set in the oven. With any luck, Illumi would come downstairs to interrogate him about the smell. Perhaps they'd fight the fun way, with kicks and punches. Too many verbal sparring sessions left him antsy.  
It’d probably be for the worst if they did fight. Hisoka needed to talk with him, about talking earlier. So much damn talking. He watched the sweets cook, expanding, thinning, and browning. He carefully considered his words, knowing full well he'd deviate from any script he tried to set.

 

The timer went off on the oven, and when he pulled the cookies out he wasn't surprised to see Illumi on the other side of the counter. 

“I went to the store,” he nodded at the tray in his hands, “thank god for whoever decided to put cookie recipes on the back of chocolate chip bags.”  
“Why did you come back?”  
“They’re still too hot to eat-” he set the pan on the stove top- “if you want one.”  
“Don't ignore the question,” Illumi said flatly. “You left. Why did you come back?”  
“I left to go to the store, I came back because all my stuff is still here.”  
“It’s all upstairs if you-“  
“Wait,” Hisoka stopped him. “That wasn't what I meant to say. I came back to talk about earlier.”  
“I think you got everything off your chest. I'm not sure I want to hear anything else you have to say.”  
“I can't fix it if you won't let me try.”  
“Could you fix it even if you do? Don't waste my time, Hisoka.”  
“Look,” he grit his teeth, “we both said things we didn't- well, that we did mean, but that we probably shouldn't have said anyways. You were right earlier, I was frustrated.”  
“I know all this.”  
“Then let me finish.” His smile was strained, tight around the eyes. “I was willing to live here, with you, for two months. I think I've made it pretty obvious that what I want from you is your time; time that you don't want to give me.” Hisoka paused, letting the statement rest.  
“You’re wrong,” after a time, he answered. “I did- do. Would if I could.”  
“Ah, but isn't that the problem?” He spread his hands out, like he was displaying a new trick. “You want to, and you could, but you don't.”  
“My future doesn't allow for your presence,” the response was halting, obvious that even he didn't believe in his words. “We could never have a long term arrangement.”  
“So that's the new excuse? You push me away to spare my feelings?” He laughed, a short and bitter sound. “That's pretty weak, and you know it.”  
“No, that's not it,” Illumi began to clarify. “I’m supposed to be a good example, what will Killua think if he knows that I’m seeing someone like you? He’s already erratic enough, he doesn't need conflicting messages.”  
“ _Someone like me?_ ” An unmistakeable edge crept into his words. “Care to elaborate?”  
“You're chaotic, selfish, cruel, unmanageable, unpredictable,” he listed the traits off on his fingers, “I can't tolerate the liability of a wild card in my sibling’s lives. You're too dangerous to be around them.”  
“Then we can chalk this one up to a fundamental misunderstanding,” Hisoka clasped his hands together, smile growing wider, more genuine. “I don't give a shit about your family, I never have. If I don’t see another Zoldyck ever again,” he scoffed, “it'll be too soon. Except, of course, for this one in front of me.”  
“I still don't have the kind of time you want.” Illumi leaned back, wary. “Maybe a day or two at the most, here and there.”  
“You said your parents would give you time off for a good enough reason, right?” He called back to the prior conversation, well aware of the risk. “What qualifies?”  
“Severe sickness or injury.”  
“That can't be it,” he frowned, “get a little more creative.”  
“Those are the only two I know off the top of my head. Like I told you earlier,” he chided, “I’ve never asked before.”  
“Let’s say, theoretically, you ask for a week off. What's the most likely answer?”  
“With how hectic things have been lately, we can't possibly spare any more able bodies. Are you feeling alright? It's not like you to ask, you're usually so much better than this,” he recited the words dutifully, perfect monotone maintained throughout.  
“That’s very specific, are you sure you've never asked? Never mind,” Hisoka waved off his own question. “What if you asked for a week off to spend with a friend?”  
“I don't have friends, my parents frown strongly on unnecessary emotional attachments.”  
“Right… what if you asked for a week off with your fiancé?”  
“I don't have a fiancé, either.”  
“But if you did?” He pushed, “then what? Something has to do it.”  
“ _If-_ “ Illumi stressed the word- “I had a fiancé, that would be a different situation all together.”  
“Then why don't we get married? Engaged, at least.”  
“That’s-“ he stopped, as stunned as Hisoka had ever seen him- “my parents would never fall for that. A fake marriage wouldn't-“  
“I didn't say pretend to get married,” he interrupted. “I said let's get married.”  
“I hope you know how ludicrous that sounds, we could barely stand each other for a week.”  
“We couldn't stand each other because you’ve spent the whole time working. This won't be work at all, it's exclusively play. We’re very good at that part.”  
“They might protest me marrying a man.” Illumi pursed his lips, thoughtful. “And by protest I mean: attempt to murder you.”  
“I can handle anything they can throw,” he dismissed the warning flippantly. “You should know better than anyone how I welcome attempts at my life.”  
“If you don't die, they'll insist on meeting you.”  
“You say that like it's a warning. Are you concerned for me, sweet Lumi?”  
“Concerned for what they'll think of me after having met you. They're not going to approve of anything about you, besides perhaps your strength.”  
“They better, it’s one of my best features.” Hisoka made a show of flexing his biceps, prompting a snort from Illumi. “I'm telling you, there's no problem with us getting married. Everyone wins.”  
“You certainly seem to think so,” he shrugged. “You do know that my schedule can't change that much? I’m not sure what my parents will allow, but it’ll be a couple weeks now and again, at the most.”  
“I wouldn't have it any other way. If we spent too much time together, we'd both be dead before the year’s out. I can't say it's an unattractive thought, just that I have other plans.”  
“If we got… married,” it sounded strange on his tongue, to say and it and mean it, “My mother might insist on a wedding. If that happens, you can't act like you usually do.”  
“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. In the meantime, I feel like I’ve sold you on this.”  
“This doesn't mean I’ve forgotten about earlier. I’m still upset with you.”  
“And you'll probably stay mad about it for the rest of your life, you're the type. But I’m not going to apologize, and you're not going to get over it, so take a cookie and tolerate me another day.” 

The cookies were cool enough to touch by now, and he pulled one off the foil to offer it to Illumi. It was accepted cautiously, begrudgingly taken from his hand. Hisoka waited to grab his own, watching for him to bite into it. Illumi eyed the treat like it was about to bite into him. He sniffed it delicately, recoiling.

“What's in these?” He glared at Hisoka, “they smell off, what's wrong with them?”  
“Chocolate.” He picked up a cookie and smelled it, savoring the sweet scent. “For the record, I think they smell delectable.”  
“Besides the chocolate. What else did you put in these?”  
“Flour, vanilla, sugar, butter, eggs,” he named off ingredients, “normal cookie things, I believe. You may be coming down with a cold, darling. There's nothing wrong with them.”

Illumi inspected it again, breaking it on half and watching the chocolate ooze out. He took a small bite, letting it melt on his tongue. He swallowed and looked puzzled, glancing back and forth between the cookie and Hisoka.

“So?” Hisoka prompted, “did you like it?”  
“It was very sweet. Where’s the aftertaste? Are you sure you put everything in these?”  
“Aftertaste? Illumi, they're chocolate chip cookies. They're only supposed to taste like sugar and the parental affection you never received.” He hastily added an addendum in response to Illumi’s narrowed eyes, “in the generic sense. Not you, specifically.”  
“In my experience, they’ve been bitter.”  
“In-“ the simple statement echoed in his mind- “have you never had not poisoned cookies?”  
“I’ve never gone out of my way to purchase them, so, no, I suppose I have not.”  
“Wait.” His mind flicked back to several days earlier, to a certain plate of baked goods. “What about those cookies you ate a few days ago? You said-“  
“I don't talk about the details of my jobs while I’m working them.”  
“Oh. Well that's ominous.” 

It grew quiet, both men considering the things that had been said. They were both reeling from the marriage proposal, both too proud to say it. Both a little to invested to shoot it down. Illumi fiddled with the gold band on his finger, twisting the warm metal. 

“Should we just keep these rings, then?” He slid it off completely, holding it up to catch the light. “There's no point in buying new ones.”  
“You bought them, so it's whatever you want.”  
“I don't want to go through the hassle of getting another set for no reason. It might make more sense to get an engagement ring, though, since that's what this is now.”  
“Then I guess I should buy you one. Before you argue this with me, technically, I did the proposing.”  
“I wasn't going to say anything.”  
“Mhm, sure you weren't.” 

He slipped the ring back on, regarding it on his hand. The thought of getting used to the sight was pleasant in a way he hadn't expected. It tugged the corners of his mouth into a small smile. His face reverted back to neutral the moment he noticed Hisoka looking, face entirely split with his own grin. 

“We’re still leaving tomorrow, by the way. I don't enjoy the thought of spending anymore time around the neighbors.”  
“Aw, but Lindy was such fun.”  
“For you, I guess. I have a thirty minute window to kill Greg tomorrow morning, after that we’ll leave.”  
“I though you needed to talk to him more?”  
“No, I made some substantial leaps in information the other day. It’s actually fairly interesting, but I can't tell you anything until the job’s done.”  
“That makes it sound dramatic. I can't wait for the big reveal.”  
“It's decidedly more conspiracy than I like to work with, though I’m sure you'll enjoy it.”

Illumi made to leave, but Hisoka caught his arm before he could go. He pulled him forward, holding him in a loose embrace. He let his hands rest lightly on his waist, room enough between them so as not to smother. 

“If we have a real wedding ceremony, I already told John I wore the dress, I’d hate to be a liar.”  
“That's exactly the kind of thing you can't do.”  
“Perhaps, for you, I’ll refrain.” Hisoka leaned in for a kiss, smooth and gentle. The situation may have called for more passion, but he was already struggling not to smile into it. He was failing.  
He pulled back, laughing, a rolling chuckle. He rested their foreheads together, eyes closed, humming contentedly. 

“We’re going to get married. Can you believe that?”  
“Not really,” Illumi answered honestly. He pushed up onto his tiptoes, pressing a kiss to Hisoka’s forehead. “It's hard to believe anything about you.” 

Hisoka pulled him in tighter then, bodies pressed close. He buried his face into Illumi’s shoulder, inhaling deeply. He could hear his heartbeat, feel his breathing. After a few moments, Illumi began to squirm. When Hisoka moved back he laughed again; a rosy red hue stained his cheeks. 

“You're blushing,” he pointed out. “It's adorable.”  
“It’s not,” Illumi snapped.  
“Are you embarrassed?”  
“We’ve had sex before, why would I be embarrassed about a hug?”  
“I don't know, when was the last time someone hugged you?”  
“That’s…” his hesitation spoke to the truth he wouldn't specify. “I’m an assassin. I don't engage in that sort of behavior.”  
“You have a fiancé, you do now.” He smirked, “and to think, all these years spent trying to fluster you, and it only took a hug.”  
“If you had tried to hug me at _any_ moment before this one, you would've lost your arms in the attempt.”  
“Then how very lucky am I, my darling, that I have such impeccable timing.”  
“I’m not sure I’d call it luck, but you do seem to have something.”  
“I do seem to have you,” he purred.

There was a solid minute of complete silence, made more awkward by the intense eye contact. 

“That's the cheesiest thing you've ever said to me.” Illumi murmured, almost as if he was speaking to himself. “It's probably the cheesiest thing you've said in your entire life.”  
“What can I say? You bring out the romantic in me.”  
“Can I bring something else out? Like, you, but you don't gel your hair up on a diagonal. Or you, but with impulse control.”  
“Aw,” Hisoka pouted, “you're no fun. Those things would be boring.”  
“If I’m no fun, then I’m boring, aren't I?”  
“You?” Hisoka snorted in disbelief, “love, I don't think I’ll ever be bored of you.” 


	12. This is basically an epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Illumi finally does his goddamn job, Hisoka's annoying, and we learn that, really, they're the antagonists of this story.

“You could describe their story as long and messy,” Illumi stepped carefully around the coffee table, “but I’m not sure that would totally do it justice.” He extracted a needle from the neck of the mans slumped corpse, wiping the excess blood on a cloth. “It was a custody battle, of sorts, and entirely too complicated. Firstly, the entire street was involved in this man’s cover story.”  
“Oh,” Hisoka arched a brow, “even that guy- Jonah, or whatever?”  
“John, but yes.” He nodded curtly, “It’s part of the reason we were only to kill this man, I suspect. All of these people were betraying their former employer; he wanted the loss to sting.”   
“I hate to say it, but even at our best we’re rather conspicuous. It makes me wonder how, with a whole street of people at his disposal, did he not make the connection?”   
“That’s actually part of what I heard them discussing the other day. In their opinion, we were too unprofessional to be assassins. It certainly helped that we could hardly manage a door lock. The cat didn’t hurt either.”   
Hisoka laughed, looking at the sleeping kitten curled on his arm. “Yes, I suppose that sort of thing is unbecoming for an assassin. I would say I feel bad for Lindy, but honestly I’m almost proud of her. Espionage is quite the feat. Can’t imagine having so much responsibility and then deciding to get pregnant.”  
“They’ve only been playing this same charade for the last decade. I imagine it gets easier over time.”   
“And yet, how they’ve ruined it all now.”  
“Mhm,” Illumi pulled three needles in quick succession from Greg’s neck.   
“So…” Hisoka shifted impatiently, “are you going to tell me the rest, or not?”   
“Are you going to help me with the corpse?” Illumi looked at him pointedly.  
“I feel like you’ve got this. I’d hate to get in the way.”   
“Of course you would,” Illumi reached under the dead body, pulling a needle from it’s stomach. “But like I said, this is a long and complicated story, and I’m trying to do my job right now.”   
“Give me the sparknotes then, I’m not picky.”  
“The short answer is…” Illumi studied the corpse, looking impassively at the product of his work, “still long.”   
“Illumi,” Hisoka groaned, “come on. I’m dying here.”  
“You’re dying too?” Illumi grabbed the back of the body’s shirt, holding it up so the man’s head hung limply in Hisoka’s direction. “I can only deal with so many bodies at a time, so unless you’d like to deal with this one, wait your turn.”   
“Fine,” he snapped, “if you insist.” 

With a flick of his finger and an exaggerated sigh, Hisoka stuck a strand of bungee gum to the man’s back, connecting it then to the ceiling. Illumi stepped back, narrowly avoid being hit in the face by a hand as the body was lifted into the air. He turned to glare at Hisoka, inches away from the body swaying on the line four feet in the air.

“Are you serious?”  
“Yes? It’s easier to manage like this.”   
“You don’t see anything wrong with this,” Illumi questioned, “nothing at all?”  
“You asked me to help- I’m helping. It looks fine to me.”  
“You strung the corpse up like a goddamn piñata and you don’t see anything wrong with this?”  
“Well… when you put it like that.” Hisoka smiled, barely suppressing a giggle. “Is this what your birthdays were like as a kid?”   
“If anything like this had ever happened, it would’ve been an elaborate training exercise and the man would still be alive.”   
“That’s not very good for a birthday party, though. What about a regular piñata, but full of bees?”   
“Can you take this seriously? I’m trying to do my job.”  
“How about three piñatas, but two are live explosives?”  
“You’re being ridiculous. Besides,” Illumi shook his head, “that’s much too tame. _Maybe_ if all three were bombs and they only told me about two of them.”   
“I like the way you think. We’re going to be a great couple, you and I.”   
“We can’t seem to dispose of one measly body with any efficiency, don’t be so sure.”   
“It’s not about the bodies, Lumi, it’s about having fun.”  
“You know what? Forget it. Just drop the body on the ground, we can leave it here.”   
“I-“ Hisoka paused, taken aback, “do my ears deceive me? Illumi Zoldyck, slacking on the job?”   
“No, but my employer didn’t request I dispose of the body, nor is he paying me to do so. I clean up out of habit, not necessity, and since you’re being difficult, why bother?”  
“Now _that_ is some logic I can get behind.” Hisoka stepped away from the wall he’d been leaning against, letting his bungee gum dissipate. “Am I finally hearing this story now, or what?”  
“If you’ll stop asking about it, then fine. Greggory Dean,” he gestured to the corpse, “was one of many aliases used by Richard Debois, former business partner of my employer, William Feckler. William’s ex-fiancé, Lillian, has been posing as Samantha Dean, and her and Feckler’s son, William Feckler jr., is now Oliver Dean. Got that?”  
“Continue.”   
“Approximately 14 years ago, Feckler was cheating on his fiancé with his business partner. Neither knew about the other, and when they found out both were distraught. Her situation worsened when she soon discovered she was pregnant with Feckler’s child.”  
“So they ran? Her and Richard?”  
“Precisely. But since Feckler is a rich and obsessive man, they decided to play it safe. They spent three years devising the perfect scheme, a way to hide in plain sight from a man who would never stop looking. They even went so far as to recruit eight former employees with a similar grudge against Feckler. They moved frequently, changing identities and leaving no trail.”   
“And then he scrounged up the cash to hire you and the rest is history, right?”   
“Mhm,” he agreed. “It’s part of the reason I invited you in the first place. I figured after 10 years they were used to evading quality hitmen, so what I needed was a cover story too bad to be made up. In the end they were still just amateurs.”  
“That’s… the worst good plan I’ve ever heard. Frankly, it’s better then I would’ve given you credit for making.”  
“It was partially my grandfather’s idea,” he conceded. “But you really should learn when to stop talking.”  
“Me? Learn some self-control? Not in this lifetime.”  
“Can we leave now, or do you need more time to be an idiot?”  
“I think I’m good, but I’ll let you know.”

Illumi grit his teeth and glanced around, taking stock of the messy living room. It was a chaotic whirlwind of misplaced items, although it’d been like that longer than it’d been a crime scene. Their exit strategies were few, and none particularly advantageous. It would be just as stealthy to leave out the front door as it would be to climb out a window.

“Alright, we’re done here. Don’t touch anything else.” 

He stepped carefully over the dead body splayed on the ground, gesturing for Hisoka to follow. They made their way to the entrance, bolted with a combination of five separate locks. A sharp tug broke every mechanism, a move that would’ve activated the security system, had it still been functioning. 

“Doesn’t your job usually require stealth? Or have I somehow got the wrong impression of assassination?”  
“I feel like you’ve asked me that before.” Illumi pulled the front door open, stepping out onto the porch.   
“That’s not an answer.”   
“What is it you always say? ‘That sounds like a you problem’.”  
“Fine, be like that,” Hisoka scoffed, “I didn’t really wanna know anyways.” 

Walking across the front lawn both felt the eyes on them, not that either cared at this point. Certain privileges came with being impervious to the normal folk, a lack of general discrepancy was one of them. Their rental car was sitting in the driveway, Illumi had the keys in his hand, and if it wasn’t for the corpse in their neighbor’s living room, this could’ve been a very normal kind of day. Situated in the car, Bart exploring the backseats, it seemed more than normal. Tranquil, even. 

Tranquility was never meant to last, not around them, and today it broke with a gunshot and a shattered window. Glass shards rained over Hisoka’s lap, some decorating the concrete. The bullet had missed by a significant margin, going in one window and out the other. 

“That was rude,” Illumi said, “I have to pay for that.”  
“You already have to pay for the radio,” he brushed the glass off of his lap with a flick of his hand, “what’s a couple of windows?”  
“It’s just annoying, I mean, what are they gonna do, un-kill Greg?”  
“If there’s anything people feel that I would expect you to understand, it’s a desire for revenge.”   
“Revenge doesn’t mean anything if you’re incompetent. The shot was so far off it would almost be worth it to let them try again.”   
“What if they miss by so much they hit the cat?”  
“That’s fair, I suppose. Not like we’re waiting for anything.”

Illumi put the car into reverse and pulled out of the driveway. As they drove down the street Hisoka waved cheerily through the missing window at the house the shot had come from, catching a glimpse of a head ducking for cover. The thought almost made him laugh- as though killing them would be worth his time. He sat back in his chair as they drove through the neighborhood, wind whipping past as the car gained speed.  
He glanced at the side mirror, catching the distorted reflection of the house in it’s frame.

“I’m almost gonna miss this neighborhood,” Hisoka remarked, “so many memories.”  
“Really?”  
“No,” he snorted, “but a guy can dream, right?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this... thing, that I wrote! I didn't really anticipate this getting semi-popular at all (and I uhhhhh might've tried harder on the plot if I had) but this is probably gonna be my last Hisoillu fic for... a while? I won't say forever, but almost definitely for the rest of 2018. Again, thanks for reading, commenting, and giving kudos! My tumblr is the same as my Ao3 and I'm always taking requests :)!


End file.
